I wrote this after discovering our baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks.
A Silent Miscarriage or Missed Miscarriage.

Once

Once you were just a dream,
Then a rooted little acorn,
Shining out from me a secret beam,
I saw the oak you would become.
My small soul you were destined for us,
Picked from a zillion stars
Sparkling desire hidden in the darkness,
Serendipity, you were ours.

Once like blossom, you fell
Season of mellow fruitfulness never to ripen
Is it still too risky to tell?
These steely hearts’ now molten.
In a dream I held you,
A tiny human, full of life,
A longed for smell, so new,
Raindrops in springtime cut my heart like a knife.

Once I knew you
Inside me my little alien, parasite,
Then away you flew,
A tiny angel towards the light.
That black cloaked figure on my periphery,
I enter a room, dark mist follows,
I couldn’t hide you, they found me,
Are the highs ever worth the lows?

Once I felt your pain,
How much can I take?
Epidural please, inside my brain,
Don’t make me self-medicate,
Still bruised the blows keep coming ,
When does it make me stronger?
My healing scars ripped open again,
How can I endure this for longer?

Once you had a future,
From black to blue to red,
The warm water smothers me, I pull the plug,
My dreams wash away, dead.
Shattered shards cover my body,
That face of hopelessness and despair,
It’s mirrored glass, reflections of me,
Treacherous body of mine, beware.

A low pain threshold, or just too much?
Or just bad luck?
I wake up.