The psycho cycle
PMDD for those looking on
Ever seen invasion of the bodysnatchers? Ever felt completely out of control like your body is doing & saying things not previously agreed on by your brain? Maybe you’ve had a few drinks before & done something stupid & or got more drinks when you should’ve stopped? That’s probably as close as you’ll have come to it. If you’ve experienced PMT/PMS then you’ll have more of an idea. Although due to our chemical & genetic makeup we’re all very different. I’ve lost friends and partners due to my PMDD, had major family arguments, problems with work colleagues and yet am completely oblivious at the time. Others have described what I’m like to me; you’re like a pod person that week, just don’t see sense & can’t be reasoned with, had a personality transplant, you’re mean to me and difficult to live with. For me it feels like the world and everyone around me is suddenly on drugs or just don’t understand me. It took 16 years of menstrual cycles (thats 192 times of this happening!) before I realised – its not you – its me!
I am ‘normally’ (I say it like that because when you’re like this for so long you forget which is the real you) extroverted, confident, kind, empathetic, outgoing person, yet for 7–10 days every month Ms Hyde takes over. This month I can actually tell you the time my oestrogen dropped, I could feel myself falling down that black hole.
For me my internal dialogue goes; ‘what are you saying you’re so stupid? No one wants to be around you you’re boring them! I shouldn’t be here, they’d be better off without me. I don’t deserve her, I don’t deserve to have tea made for me. What am I doing here? I need to disappear. I’m horrible selfish disgusting. What am I doing with my life?…’ This manifests itself in one of two ways, crying, & isolation or what looks like anger and hatred, because what I’m actually doing is saving you from me, because I don’t deserve you.
When I was 17 I used to refer to my different ‘types’ as different names as it did feel like I had split personalities. PMDD has only been recognised as a mental health disorder since 2013. I remember walking over waterloo bridge regularly at university stopping and contemplating the water, when I told that to my GP about my PMT symptoms he prescribed me water retention tablets 🙄 When I was in Dorset & New Forest it was cliff edges. Luckily there was always a part of myself observing which appealed to the madness within explaining ‘my family don’t deserve that kind of news.’ But some women *have* lost their lives to this.
We know its hormonal, and we know hormones really affect moods and behaviour – just watch teenagers go through puberty. When I went onto the contraceptive pill for my endometreosis I found myself a lot more manageable. Maybe 3 days PMT (just snappy & more tearful) rather than 8 days. When I wasn’t allowed the pill due to my blood pressure after a motorcycle accident, I suddenly found myself being diagnosed with depression & PTSD. I’m not saying I didn’t have those, but I daresay I wouldn’t have needed intervention for them had I still been having a regular dose of hormones.
I’ve had a full year without the pill now. Its been very difficult for both of us. Every fertility journey is difficult but definitely more confounded if you have PMDD. Some of my friends said the pill made them crazy, but I said it definitely kept me sane.
When I was pregnant – wow! It was like a sudden switch and I felt so much like myself, more balanced, content. I would still get angry if someone cut me up in the car but then just ‘let it go’ (Ms Hyde follows them flashing her headlights!). My schoolfriends said they’d never seen me so happy (& it wasn’t just the thought of having a baby – truth be told the broodiness left me as soon as I had the constant hormones!). I’d love to be that person again.
After the miscarriage surgery – the sudden drop was excruciating. Like watching yourself fall into a ravine with no way of preventing it. Again the world changed around me & I didn’t know where I was. My wife keeps asking to help but I didn’t know how. Other than hormones. But if we are trying again I’m just going to have to wait.
5HTP is keeping me functioning, B vits, Vit D, Magnesium, Dong Quai, and Rhodeola rosea a bit more balanced, but its not a substitute to growing a baby.
Because I know its not just the grief. I had grief without hormonal help before — but this is worse. Its a far bigger drop because of how far my hormones fell.
So next time a woman you know is saying ‘I’m due on, I’m not myself or have PMT’. Don’t make a joke. Give her a cup of tea or a hug. She’s already feeling bad enough about herself.
We need to stop ignoring women’s health as a society. Most medical research is performed on male rats & mice as our hormones mess up the scientists’ results (and I’m not surprised!). We also need more women in science so please encourage girls looking to science and medicine, because they are our only hope to feel like ourselves again.
