6 Lessons I Learned from Making One New Friend a Day in March 2021
Did you know that if you uncoiled the DNA in one of our cells, end to end, it would be the perfect length for social distancing (6 feet)? Now multiply that with all of the cells in our body and the total length of our DNA is about 67 billion miles.
That’s enough to go to the moon and back 150,000 times! This data from the NIH is staggering.
Now if you stacked your DNA on the x-axis of the graphic above and then layered on all of our lived experiences, the tiny segment representing how much we actually know about someone becomes miniscule.
If you’re like me and enjoy piecing a puzzle together, you might also see the humans we interact with in our day to day lives as beautiful, complex puzzles.
In March, thanks to my new friend, Maria Scileppi and her 2013 Ted Talk, I embarked on a journey to make one new friend a day to demonstrate the importance of emotional connection as a pillar of the human condition.
This adventure changed my life 31 times over. Every day, I was given permission to view life in a new lens that I had never tried on before.
As levels of isolation and loneliness continue to skyrocket, I hypothesized that if I channeled as much ENTJ energy as I could, perhaps the ripple effect of positivity could build new bonds despite the pandemic.
Around the time I began planning this experiment, Elizabeth Bernstein published a piece in the WSJ about why talking to strangers is still so important, even during Covid.
This only compounded my desire to meet the souls of my San Francisco community. I huddled with Maria first to chart out my plan to deliver on three promises (see my first article of March):
- Connect with one total stranger in a socially distant and safe way
- Publish a short blurb about each person on Medium as part of my March Series
- Ask every single person this question: “What or who are you most grateful for?”
I met extroverts, introverts, and people spanning 5 decades of ages.
Across the course of this experiment, I actually met almost 40 different friends across 38 professions, 11 countries and with 16 distinct areas of gratitude.
Here are 6 lessons I learned along the way:
1. Be Present: It’s Not Weird to Wave and Say “Hi”
It’s much harder to demonstrate positive intent with a mask on because no one can tell you are smiling. So, it takes more work.
Lose the headphones. Wave. Make an effort to say “Hi” audibly. Smile anyway. Just do it.
I noticed that when I wasn’t blasting music, I was able to pick up so many sounds around me — my sense of curiosity and awareness increased. Just by smiling and waving at the people I crossed paths with, I felt a shared moment of joy.
I met Matt by casually asking what he was looking at in the sky with his binoculars in the middle of the street at sunset.
I joined Ebert and Mowen on their daily neighborhood patrol.
Raghu and Kelly became friends as I sat quietly on a park bench.
All it takes is noticing who and what is around you.
2. Rejection Isn’t That Bad
This lesson was a fantastic exercise in silencing the ego. It is natural to feel offended or upset in the face of rejection.
For me, I learned to reframe rejection in reference to the picture at the beginning of this article. There is so much I do not know about someone’s life and therefore, assuming I am at the top of a stranger’s mind is self-centered and silly.
By letting go of any expectations I might have had, I felt freer.
As my mom always reminds me, “Everyone is on their own journey.” I kept remembering this because, now more than ever, giving people grace, respect and kindness is the greatest gift we can share as humans.
3. It Takes Effort to Build Community
It still baffles me that in a city like San Francisco, a place people from all over the world flock to, we find our friends and then we stop. I’m guilty of this too. As a native, born and raised, I am grateful that many of my friends live in close proximity to me.
But why stop there?
I realized that by opening myself up, I learned more about our city’s history and the people who make its heart beat.
I met Greg, whose family has been operating a local wine and spirits store for 65 years.
Nelson, a fellow Cal alum and funnily enough, my neighbor, has lived in the same apartment since graduating Cal decades ago and Mark owns the iconic North Star and Shanghai Nights sports bars in North Beach/Russian Hill.
Barry moved here over two decades ago and did stints as a Guinness model, Irish rock band manager, and construction worker.
Raghu was the head chef at the beloved Irish/Indian restaurant, Kennedy’s and Stef told me about the city’s 100+ parks and stairways to explore.
Ed and Jeff, both men of the sea, expressed their sadness witnessing the effect of the drug crisis on our people over the decades.
Sometimes it took me over two hours of wandering and exploring the streets of San Francisco before finding a new friend but it was worth it to feel such a strong a sense of community.
4. The Energy You Exude Is Contagious
We all know “misery loves company” but I believe the same goes for positivity.
I started noticing that the more excited I was to see people, the more excited they were in return. This is not a new phenomenon (check out this NCBI review on mirror neurons reflecting emotions) but it was fascinating to consciously experience this.
The other benefit, just by practicing the act of smiling, was if someone looked away quickly or avoided eye contact, I was still smiling!
BJ, my friend who won the 2009 Amazing Race season, embodies positivity. He has a very carefree and joyful way of living life and in our 3 hour walk around Golden Gate Park, I noticed he remained open-minded to every idea I shared. This in turn, increased my curiosity and fueled a spectacular conversation.
The other similarity I noticed in many of my new friends was their sense of purpose in volunteering their time and skills to benefit our community.
I learned from Eddy how to repaint motorcycle parts and how his course for children coming from difficult backgrounds has inspired many of them to pursue mechanics and make a sustainable income.
Chelsea volunteers at the Food Bank every Thursday and Stanley is dedicated to keeping our public library services functioning.
What I started seeing was a theme across all of the people I met: my friends were happiest and most engaged when talking about something they love doing.
Arlene finds her flow state drawing dancers in charcoal. Sergei was fed up with how we treat animals and our bodies so he started a Vegan food store. Dave loves putting funky outfits together and is passionate about education reform, much like Jo.
Pedro, a talented bike fitter (Robin Williams was once his client), taught me to use my fingers as a ruler so that I always have a reference point of length no matter where I go.
Everything I learned from my new friends opened my eyes a little more. They were all so beautifully unique and similar at the same time.
5. Listen to Hear Not to Respond
How much time do you spend preparing a response during the course of a conversation?
How often is someone telling you about their bad day and your brain tries to pattern match to a similar bad experience so you interject with “that one time something similar happened to you?”
Our minds and brains move so quickly and with everything going on in the world, it’s easy to get lazy in conversation. It’s easy to turn the conversation inward, self-centered — it’s what we know best.
It takes more energy to actually hear what someone is saying, feeling and experiencing.
When I met Hile, she shared her desire to see her home country of Ethiopia and how these past few years have been incredibly difficult.
Paul shared the devastating loss of his family and friends in the Armenia-Azerbaijan conflict.
Tibur opened up about his experiences as a child in the Hungarian refugee camps.
We all have a back story. We all have joys. We all harbor sorrow and pain. What matters is that we show up for each other try our best to understand the lived experiences of another human.
6. You Can Always Find Common Ground
I found peace in how easily conversation flowed with my new friends. This crash course in fostering friendship exposed me to perspectives I could have never dreamed of.
Every single day, part of me was nervous and another part of me was itching with excitement and anticipation. I couldn’t wait to uncover common ground as a foundation for our new bond.
Courtney, a Hopi Native American, shared his family’s traditions and as we talked, I learned we both lived in Arizona and at one point in our lives, we both wanted to be archaeologists.
Kelly and I bonded over our love of learning new languages and how we approach many things in life (a classic “oldest sibling” framework).
Sarah noticed I was having a bad day and offered to lead me through a meditation practice in which we go back to the basics, improve our posture and listen to our bodies (the Alexander technique). During this exercise, we shared a mutual passion for finding natural ways to enhance our physical health.
Although I am not a Scientologist, Marquita expressed a point-of-view that I resonated with deeply: use your lived experiences as data to make informed decisions.
And finally, bringing me back to the very first friend I made on March 1, Arjun was not only one of the gentlest and kindest souls I met, but he happens to be long lost family as well! I cannot think of a better nugget to uncover as a basis for common ground.
To End on a Note of Gratitude
Life becomes so much richer when you both foster meaningful bonds with those you care about and make an effort to forge new bonds with those you share your environment with.
Because I asked each person I met “What or who are you most grateful for?” I wanted to capture some of the answers I received in the image below. While “Mom,” “Life,” and “Religion” were our top rankers, we have to give it up for “peanut butter cookies” and “Netflix password” as well.
I’ll end on a quote Sherief, my March 5 friend, shared from his father:
“Your life is measured by the people you meet.”
