Contemplating The Apocalypse with Phoebe Bridgers
It feels like forever since I wrote some thoughts about music I listened to. It might be because it’s getting harder to write about emotions in this unprecedented time. There are a lot of interesting music albums and singles this year. Some of it even born out of quarantine.
I was stuck in lockdown in foreign land for almost half a year. Lucky me I was still able to manage my sleep, one of the help comes from music. Listening to music until I fell asleep is one of the thing I like to do when I travel away from home. I think it’s time to write about an album that sooth me during the lockdown, and also still one of my favorite album this year. The album is titled Punisher, by Phoebe Bridgers. I don’t really remember how I stumble into Phoebe’s work, but I glad I heard about her.
The album is started with DVD Menu. I guess the album was supposed to be about enjoying a gloomy distant future on the brink of apocalypse. But at the time of its release, most people would agree that Phoebe Bridgers is the Saint of Apocalypse as we feel we are already in the apocalypse. We were or probably are still in lockdown, our life changes, our reality changes. The end is probably really nigh.
The track continues to Garden Song, which is also the first song that hooked me into Phoebe Bridgers’ songs. The trend of having artist explaining their art is probably both a blessing and a curse. It’s relatively easy to understand the true meaning behind the song explained by the artist but I find it’s also meaningful if we have our own interpretation of the art. There are a lot of interviews out there where Phoebe explains a lot about her songs. For me, Garden Song is a bit hopeful song about getting older. I wish I can have my own garden one day. It’s also probably a great song to chill and get high.
There is also some honest lines in this song and she talked about it in her interview with the author Carmen Maria Machado on Playboy magazine.
The doctor put her hands over my liver
She told me my resentment getting smaller
And then there is Kyoto. The most upbeat song of the album. This is the kind of a song that makes me realize Phoebe bridgers is one of the most unique lyricist of her generation. In one song, she talked about feeling bored while touring in Japan and her complicated relationship with her father, and also probably her previous relationship with her ex. She even joked about it on one of her tweet.
There is one experimental performance of Kyoto that feels so quirky and fun on Jimmy Kimmel channel.
The album title meaning is also something new for me. Punisher is often used as a term between artists about an overly enthusiastic fan that always follows them and probably spend too much time on merchandise table. Phoebe mentioned in various media that this song also about herself because she believes sometimes she is also the punisher to her idol. Sometime, the fans feel like they know everything inside out about their idol. This song is also probably related to one of her favorite idol, Elliott Smith who died on October 21st, 2003, from two stab wounds to the chest.
What if I told you
I feel like I know you?
But we never met
It’s for the best
My next favorite tracks are Chinese Satellite and Moon Song. I guess it’s easy to feel the anxiety and sadness on those both songs. Chinese Satellite seems like a story about anxious agnostic questioning their own belief.
I want to believe
Instead, I look at the sky and I feel nothing
You know I hate to be alone
I want to be wrong
The last line of the song hits me a lot when I was far away from home.
I want to go home
In many ways, I think Moon Song is heartbreaking. But in other point of view, it’s probably about how you truly love someone. If you love someone, sometimes it’s not easy if your loved ones having a hard time to love their self and the situation hurt both of you. But still, you pour your love.
So I will wait for the next time you want me
Like a dog with a bird at your door
It’s also interesting that in one of her interview Phoebe explains that the next song which titled Savior Complex can be interpreted as the continuation of the relationship in Moon Song. If Moon Song is the beginning of the relationship, Savior Complex tells a story where you are already in the relationship. Phoebe said in her interview with Stereogum:
Being with somebody who hates themselves is hard.
This song also has the most soothing vocals in the entire album.
But I’m too tired
To have a pissing contest
All the bad dreams that you hide
Show me yours, I’ll show you mine
It’s fascinating to see the live performance of this song, the strings and the melodies felt more alive.
I would like to add that in December Phoebe released the music video of Savior Complex in collaboration with Phoebe Waller-Bridge (The Fleabag!), Paul Mescal (Normal People), and a cute puppy. The video is currently exclusive in Facebook Watch.
The album ends with I Know The End. Some lines of the lyric also hits me hard about the longing of a quiet life.
When I get back I’ll lay around
Then I’ll get up and lay back down
Romanticize a quiet life
But, the song also feel like about accepting the (probably bitter) reality.
But you had to go, I know, I know, I know
Like a wave that crashed and melted on the shore
Not even the burnouts are out here anymore
And you had to go, I know, I know, I know
Near the end, the song progresses into a more emotional mood with more instruments arising. At the first listen, I was so surprised that the album ended with a collective scream. But, seeing how the world unravels in 2020, maybe screaming is the best we can do to release our emotions.
No, I’m not afraid to disappear
The billboard said “The End Is Near”
I turned around, there was nothing there
Yeah, I guess the end is here
Probably it’s an unrealistic dream to watch your favorite artists perform again in real life in our near future, but one still can dream. Here’s Phoebe with a wonderful performance of I Know The End in Late Night with Seth Meyers.
I just hope this is not the end for Phoebe Bridgers. Hopefully can get one of her skeleton onesie one day.
I re-read again one of her interview and it’s a great reminder that this album also about self-examination. This is from her interview with Pitchfork. I would put it here and end my story about this album because this explanation about one of Phoebe’s source of inspirationalso speaks to me in many ways.
Al-Anon is a support group for people affected by someone else’s alcoholism. The jargon is about not controlling people and how you can never fix somebody. I wish I went to meetings more often because every time I glean something new. But it’s also traumatizing, like going to therapy. You hear so many stories in there that you’re like, “Wow, how the fuck is that old lady dealing with her shitty ass fucking husband after 40 years of being treated like shit?” Then you look at your own behavior and realize that you’re no better than that lady. I can see myself on that trajectory or like my mom was with a crazy addict through my whole life. It points right back to you in an interesting way.
I’m dealing with a lot of that specific type of relationship pattern. My dad is an alcoholic, I’ve dated a lot of alcoholics, I am friends with a lot of addicts. These are relationships I need to learn how to deal with because they are not going away. I need to grapple with my own control issues. When you’re in those types of relationships, they’re so tempting because you’re watching someone destroy themselves and you feel this savior complex shit for sure but you also feel like an angel every day. You never have to examine your own issues because you’re so focused on someone else. That’s definitely an overarching album theme.
Punisher by Phoebe Bridgers is available in Spotify.
