Probably the most personal piece I have ever published. I know I can’t structure it well at the moment. I am sad.
The time was around 3 pm. I used to watched Kamen Rider Black back then. I was on the 3rd grade of elementary school. While I was watching it, she accompanied me and gave me snacks. She would tell me to take a nap after that.
I was a little kid. My parent were rarely at home before 6 pm. What I know was my parent were busy with work. Busy with work to raise and school me and also my 2 siblings. I was not close enough with my direct grandmothers. My grandmother from my father’s side already passed away before I was born. My grandmother from my mother’s side is on another town. But, I have my mother’s aunt with my family for so long. She took care of my family.
I am not good at understanding the family tree from my mother’s side. For me, she is the closest I could have for a grandmother. Her name is Siti Chotidjah. I call her Mbah Djah. She took care of me and my siblings for so long. Day in day out, weeks to months, years to decade, when we were a little kid in Bandung. Every food she cooked, shaped my taste. I missed them all. But, it’s not just about how she fed me day to day. It’s about her care for my family, her selflessness, her endless prayer for my family.
She is the one who knew the ups and downs in my family. The time I moved to other island. The time I was away from my parents. She was still with my family, even from far away. Prayed for my family. The time when my family could get back up a little bit. Started a new life. Still, she prayed for my family from afar.
In this sad moment when the person you love passed away, it’s hard not to feel sorry. About all the times you’ve been busy. You should have text her more, called her more.
I remember I bought her a newer phone quite some years ago, and she already understood how to used WhatsApp in the past 5 years. Felt like yesterday. I am sorry. I felt like I didn’t have enough video calls with her. I am sorry, Mbah.
She is also the most devoted Moslem I could know of. She was really active on taking care of my family back then. When I got bigger, I started to understand what is fasting. She did a lot of fasting, not only in Ramadan, but also for another months and various occasions following her belief. She was strong. I never heard her complaining about her devotion. Even when I was in college in Jogja, she was still active in following several Sunan’s pilgrimage. Honoring the Sunans for spreading Islam peacefully in Java.
I knew, deep down she prayed a lot for my achievements. Not just for me, but also for my parent. I did well at school. I finished college normally, got a scholarship in the middle of it. Started a relationship with my girlfriend. Got a job. Traveled far for my job, from one island to the next. Sometimes, I traveled away to strange countries. Tried to make a better living. She prayed for all of that. I knew I couldn’t make it this far without her prayer and blessing.
I dreamt one day to send her for Hajj pilgrimage. I am sad that I cannot fulfil that dream. She was getting too old. Her back started to bent. Her feet was getting weaker. Ironically, I stepped foot closer to Medina rather than her.
I am sorry, Mbah.
Back in 2013, I visited her. That was a good time. A real good time. I took my vacation for awhile… Visited the place where sometime I spent my holidays in my childhood. It was his brother’s house.
It was a lovely nostalgia. Of course she asked about my relationship. She already met my girlfriend in 2011. I told her me and my girlfriend was preparing the plan for marriage. She liked my girlfriend. What a sweet memory.
I stayed for few nights. I enjoyed everything she cooked. We looked back on her photo collections. She really spent so many years with my family. Never asked anything hard as long as I remember. Selfless, as she always was. She cooked me my favorite food. It tasted the same with what she cooked in my childhood.
A little fast forward to 2018, I managed to bring Mbah to my wedding. Another sweet big family reunion. I guess that was the longest time we spent time together physically. We took a picture together the night after my wedding ceremony. She spent few more nights at my home in Jakarta. I am happy with her around.
And now I lost words for what just happened.
At the age of 77, God called her to come home.
I am sad that I can’t be there with all these lockdown.
I am grateful for family and neighbours in Sukabumi to help arranging her funeral. I just can help with a prayer from afar.
Remembering all her kindness and selflessness throughout her life. Trying to let her go home to God peacefully. Believing that God will embrace her soul in love and peace.
I listened to the latest Coldplay song recently, Coloratura.
And now the lyrics hit differently…
In the end it’s all about
The love you’re sending out
Thank you, Mbah.
For teaching us to be selfless.
You’re a real example on sending out love without asking anything in return.
No more pain, ya, Mbah.
We all love you.
We all wish you have a peaceful rest up there.
Thank you, Mbah Djah.
