It’ll all work out…eventually.

I made it to 31 barely. This could’ve been a posthumous reflection from another dimension but as of May 2, 2022, I’m still in this plane. This dimension. This floating rock. What am I to do with this “blessing”?

My whole career and thus my career goals were and are dependent on proving my value to someone else. That’s. Sad. That’s a systemic flaw.

In that light, it’s time for me to challenge my perception of myself. It’s the time for me to take the power back I previously thought I had but didn’t because I unknowingly gave it to my peers, admissions committees, strangers, family, and friends. This life I now know is as much a gift as it is a challenge. My previous confidence wasn’t authentic. It was an inflated ego based on what I previously believed to be aspirational. It was vapid and empty and lacked substance. Now I not only have proof, but I also have gumption.

Despite this shift in thinking, I couldn’t feel hopeful. When my coping strategies failed to bring my mood out of its depths I confided in my therapist. She pointed out that my self-criticism and constant effort to see the silver lining takes energy. I think it can be called “thought labor”. My available stores of energy were running low. I was actively trying to move better and was getting up early to absorb and rehearse information needed for my board exam. I was tired. “Show yourself some compassion “ she stated. She also stated that my actions demonstrated subconscious hope. If I truly didn’t have hope, I would’ve quit by now, however, I…