“For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world and loses his own soul?”
Victor Adeleke, Greenpoint
A serious health scare has made Victor Adeleke reassess his workaholic tendencies.
“I fell ill at the very beginning, when the news started to come out that there were more COVID-19 cases in New York City. Being the workaholic that I am, I really pressed through at first. But one thing led to another, and what started out as just flu-like symptoms turned into other, very unruly symptoms. I started to develop boils on my body. I actually thought they were tumors. They were very painful and caused me to not be able to sit up or lie down without incredible stress. I thought boils were only from the Old Testament! It sounds apocalyptic. But there I was, staying inside my New York-sized apartment, which no one should be forced to do for long periods of time.
After what turned into a month in my apartment, I really thought everything was fine. As an introvert, I convinced myself that the time alone was good for my productivity. I could isolate and just be totally self-obsessed while the city was crumbling.
I work for a venture capital research company, and I recently got transferred to work under the head of my department. When COVID-19 hit, investors wanted to know the impact the virus would have on startup funding, and the faster the better. So I put enormous pressure on myself, thinking that more pressure equals better performance. But they say your body keeps score. All of the stresses compounded to the extent that I had a true and serious breakdown, and I realized I needed help.
The real moment of breakdown happened after finishing one of the longest days of work I’d had in a while. I was on a weekly Zoom call with a group of friends, and I was going on and on about how I have a great diet right now, I’m cooking all my food, I’ve maintained exercise, and I love the time alone.
But halfway into it I had to turn my camera off — I had a genuine breakdown of tears and sobbing and dry heaving and all this stuff. The amount of momentum built up over my day had me on this adrenaline high, and it had finally worn off. I realized, I’m truly not in control. I’m not in control of this virus. I’m not in control of my position at work. I’m not in control of my relationships. I’m at the mercy of God.
There’s something Jesus asks in the gospels: “For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world and loses his own soul?” Or, what will a man give in exchange for his soul? I don’t think Jesus is phrasing that question hypothetically. You can gain fame, fortune, and status in exchange for your soul, but if your soul is already lost, what could you possibly give in order to get it back? The answer would be nothing. What profit is it for me to be promoted, have a great physique, save a bunch of money, and be looked up to by people, if in the end I lose my soul?
I learned I have to find true rest in Jesus. When I thought I had a very serious illness, I talked with my dad, who believes very strongly in the power of prayer. We prayed together every single day. And then after reckoning with my own vulnerability, I found verses and scripture that addressed my need for contentment — how my love of things was actually leading me to sadness — and about being grateful, and having faith that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
My community has become invaluable. I’ve said before that I value community, but I don’t always know when I’m starving for it. I remember going out with friends the weekend before the virus swept in and everything shut down, thinking to myself, My knee hurts, I’m thirsty, it’s way too hot in here. Now, that’s literally all I want to do: go out with my friends and just dance.
Enjoying life is such an underrated philosophy. When this virus wasn’t raging on, there were so many things that I would push out of my life that I really enjoyed, just because I thought they would get in the way of something I needed to have. I thought that feelings, emotions, rest, and fun were distractions from achieving some life goal. But it’s really good to enjoy the life God has given you. Control is a mirage, and my job is to enjoy my life. That is really good news.
Signs of Life is an editorial and photographic series by church.nyc. If themes within this story have resonated with you and you’d like to speak with someone about it, you can email hello@churchofthecity.com.
