Dating with HIV and AIDS

Maintaining a relationship of any kind when a person has a disease or an illness can be extremely difficult, especially if the illness requires intensive treatments and procedures. It can be tough to make and keep plans, to communicate effectively, and to possibly prepare for a grim ending. There are a number of stigmas surrounding any type of illness or disease, but there are two in particular that can arguably have it the worst- HIV and AIDS. These diseases have been shamed and ignored, and the people that have them experience all types of oppression. Employers may fire them, landlords could kick them out, and loved ones can abandon them, all because of some wayward beliefs about these diseases. One of the hardest parts of being a person with AIDS can be forming romantic and sexual relationships, given that the person wants or experiences those types of attractions. There is the internal battle of when to tell the person they are dating about their status, not wanting to do it too soon or too late. There is the struggle of not wanting to say it but legally being obligated to, at least in over half of the states. There is the worry that a partner will react violently and having to fear for one’s life. The stigma alone can be enough to keep people away from dating, but it does not mean it is impossible. There are more options nowadays to find a significant other than there have ever been, including dating sites specifically dedicated to people with HIV and AIDS. It may seem trying to have to live with a disease that is made out to be a burden, but with more education comes more understanding.

When the epidemic first broke out, there was mass confusion on how it was spread and what types of people could spread and contract it. That same sense of ignorance still exists today, though in a smaller scale. For example, most heterosexual people during the 80s almost ignored the AIDS outbreak because they thought that it was a “gay” disease. Once the information came out about the four H’s (homosexuals, hemophiliacs, Haitians, and heroin users) and what researchers considered high risk groups, that really led to heterosexuals believing they were not at risk (Holland et al. 1990). The dichotomy of sex took off from there, with differentiations between “normal” and “abnormal/disordered” types of sex. This made dating for all people even more difficult, especially for women. Women were and still are seen as passive sexual beings, as sex is typically seen as a release of what a man wants or feels he needs, at least in a heterosexual setting. Women’s needs are largely ignored in straight sex, and that can lead to a number of situations that are not always positive. Women are socialized to keep quiet about events that are bothering them, and this can lead to a woman not voicing her opinion on whether sex was enjoyable. This also leads to refraining asking a partner from getting testing, as it is usually taken negatively (Violence Against Women 2017). Being infected with AIDS can be a result of not asking partners if they have been tested or to get testing done, and once a positive status is determined, the stigma surrounding a woman in this situation skyrockets, and makes it that much more difficult to find new partners.

Abuse against women with HIV is extremely common, and happens before and after diagnosis. A number of studies have shown that women who experienced sexual and/or physical abuse in their childhood have a higher chance of contracting HIV in adulthood (Koenig and Clark 2004). Having experienced abuse tends to lead to drug use, having unsafe sex with multiple partners, having sex with partners in high risk populations, and exchanging sex for drugs or money. This can lead to sharing injection materials in terms of drug use in order to save money; condoms typically are not used in sex-for-money exchanges because of the demands made by the man in order to dole out the money. All of these factors can lead to contracting HIV and having it develop into AIDS. The abuse tends to continue into adulthood, specifically after a disclosure of a positive HIV or AIDS status (Gielen et al. 2007). A study showed that one in four women experienced physical abuse after disclosing a positive status to their intimate partner. The abuse tends to stem from a grave lack of knowledge about HIV and AIDS, and what it really means to have either of them. A lot of this is due to the way HIV and AIDS is portrayed in the media, as the overall message being spread is one of fear.

Fear tactics in the media are nothing new, but with AIDS, it can be truly life threatening. Most information about AIDS relates back to death in some way, usually being phrased in a way that implies that contracting AIDS means immediate death (Elwood 1999). The efforts to push people to have safer sex had good intentions, but the delivery is what contributes to the fear surrounding AIDS. Scaring people into safe sex without properly teaching them how to do so still creates an environment where the spread of HIV and AIDS does not slow down. However, many young people tend to ignore the severity of the message about AIDS, and it stems from the ignorance during the outbreak in the 80s. Since a vast number of people still see AIDS as a gay disease, those people feel that AIDS is not their problem and that they have no chance of contracting it (Hernandez and Smith, 1990). Even if they know about the other high risk groups, those in heterosexual encounters still believe they are not at risk because they cannot personalize the disease. This ties into the abuse that women experience when disclosing a positive status because for the negative status partner, the disease has finally become personalized. The messages of fear and the stereotypes and stigma surrounding AIDS swarm the mind and can lead to a violent outburst. A negative status person has not been taught on how to cope and assist a partner with HIV or AIDS, so the first reaction is one of anger and horror, because they tend to believe that it could never happen to them. Men tend to become violent extremely quickly in the face of ignorance because of the way they have been socialized, which can lead to harmful relationships, assumption of power, and the abuse of the presumed power.

While dating as a person with AIDS may be difficult, it is not always impossible. There are plenty of people who have learned how to adapt to having a partner with AIDS, and what that may entail. Dating sites and support groups have been developed specifically for people with HIV and AIDS, such as hivpeoplemeet.com and positivesingles.com (Dating and HIV, 2016). Other sites, such as Hornet and Grindr, send out reminders to get HIV testing, in order to try to decrease the stigma surrounding HIV and normalizing a healthy, safe sex culture (McNeil Jr. 2018). Projects such as The Well Project are dedicated to women with HIV and provide a vast amount of information regarding disclosure, dating tips, statistics, and hotlines, as well as forums for positive women to connect with one another. The most important part of dating as a person with HIV or AIDS is that all decisions are the individual’s to make. Only the person with the disease can decide when or if the best time is to tell a romantic partner about their status. If the person decides to keep sex out of the relationship and does not plan on pursuing any risky behaviors that could lead to transmission, then they are not obligated to disclose. However, if sex or any type of behavior that can lead to transmission occurs, the person is legally obligated to disclose, but the way they do so is up to them. There is no one right way of going about dating and disclosing, but if the positive person’s partner is willing to be open to the situation, then the harmful stigmas and discriminations against people with HIV and AIDS may finally start to end.

References:

“Dating and HIV.” The Well Project online. Last modified August 4, 2016. http://www.thewellproject.org/hiv-information/dating-and-hiv

Elwood, William N., Power in the Blood: A Handbook on Aids, Politics, and Communication. New Jersey: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, 1999. https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=R8uQAgAAQBAJ&oi=fnd& pg=PA215&dq=AIDS+romance&ots=JyFHFYoJ1D&sig=rIdzSbpyC7SW5PVUJjVicNHpRDs#v=onepage&q=AIDS%20romance&f=false

Gielen, Andrea Carlson, Ghandour, Reem M., Burke, Jessica G., Mahoney, Patricia, McDonnell, Karen A., and O’Campo, Patricia. “HIV/AIDS and Intimate Partner Violence: Intersecting Women’s Health Issues in the United States.” Trauma, Violence, & Abuse 8, no. 2 (2007): 178 — 198. doi: 10.1177/1524838007301476.

Hernandez, Jeanne T., and Smith, Frank J. “Inconsistencies and Misperceptions Putting College Students at Risk of HIV Infection.” Journal of Adolescent Health Care 11, no. 4 (1990): 295 — 297. http://nclc203seminarf.pbworks.com/w/file /fetch/36489016/Jeanne%20Hernandez%2C%20Frank%20Smith%201990.pdf

Holland, Janet, Ramazanoglu, Caroline, Scott, Sue, Sharpe, Sue, and Thomson, Rachel. “Sex, Gender, and Power: Young Women’s Sexuality in the Shadow of AIDS.” Sociology of Health & Illness 12, no. 3 (1990): 336 — 350. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdf/10.11 11/1467 — 9566.ep11347264

Koenig, Linda J., and Clark, Hollie. “Sexual Abuse of Girls and HIV Infection Among Women: Are They Related?” In From Child Sexual Abuse to Adult Sexual Risk: Trauma, Revictimization, and Intervention. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association, 2004. http://psycnet.apa.org/record/2003-88220-004

McNeil Jr., Donald G. “Grindr App to Offer HIV Test Reminders.” New York Times (New York, NY), Mar. 26, 2018. https://www.nytimes.com/2018/03/26/health /grindr-hiv-test-reminder.html

“Violence Against Women and HIV.” The Well Project online. Last modified March 29, 2017. http://www.thewellproject.org/hiv-information/violence-against-women-and-hiv