An Open Letter to Uwe Boll
At Silent Protagonist, we were shattered to hear that the master of modern filmmaking, Uwe Boll, had announced his retirement. An auteur of unparalleled brilliance, it is no exaggeration to call him the most brilliant director since Ed Wood. Mr Boll’s storied history of turning video games into cinema classics includes such gems as Alone in the Dark, Alone in the Dark II, BloodRayne, BloodRayne 2: Deliverance, BloodRayne: The Third Reich, Far Cry, House of the Dead and Postal. The fact that he was unable to fund Postal 2 is a crime against cinema; evidence that you should only turn to Kickstarter if you want to attract people unable to intelligently invest their money.
With the release of Assassin’s Creed, we realised how much we are going to miss Uwe Boll’s brilliance. Boll’s take on this film would not only have ensured the film kept its promise and saved video game movies — it would have marked the first time the Academy handed a Best Film Oscar to a video game movie.
Below is an open letter to Mr Boll, a plea to return to cinema. As Mr Boll is an avid video game fan, we are absolutely certain that he frequents this site.
Dear Mr Boll
Here at Silent Protagonist, we miss your wondrous vision; your art. We love you, and our hearts broke for cinema when you announced your retirement. It has been seven years since BloodRayne: The Third Reich, and we have waited patiently for BloodRayne 4eva. It is now abundantly apparent that we have enjoyed our last video game film, because nobody else gets what makes these films so wondrous.
If there is any way we can convince you to make a glorious return, whether it’s making a deal with Satan or putting this site behind a paywall and funding your future endeavours, please let us know. Your genius knows no bounds, and we have the utmost confidence that you can think of a way.
To provide you with inspiration, we have prepared a list of games which we believe you would be brilliantly suited to adapt. These would put your genius on display for the world to see, marking a new Golden Age of cinema.
- Bad Street Brawler: The classic story of a former punk rocker turned arse kicker of bulldogs and circus midgets. You would bring a level of subtlety to the story, and only you could bring back the Nintendo Power Glove, fashioning it as the greatest addition to cinema since 3D.
- BMX XXX: This underrated classic could be a thing of beauty. Topless women riding their BMXes. If you decide to bring back the Power Glove, we would definitely use it while watching this film.
- Custer’s Revenge: A movie about a historical figure as controversial as General Custer is certain to garner you widespread acclaim. A movie where Custer attempts to rape a Native American woman tied to a pole is certain to destroy the box office.
- Duke Nukem Forever: Forget the other Duke Nukem games, this is where it’s at. With great action and on-point one liners, you would bring a level of heart to the Duke of awesome.
- Hotel Mario: Before you started making movies, Super Mario Bros was the last great video game movie, but the lack of a sequel left a gaping hole in our hearts. The only way to fill that hole is for you to make a sequel, adapting the single greatest Mario game ever.
- Leisure Suit Larry: Two words — Power Glove.
- Shaq Fu: Shaquille O’Neil is a talented man and huge box office draw. Help this man win the Oscar he so deserves.
Please, Mr Boll. You are our only hope to restore video game films to their former glory, the one man with the vision to bring our favourite games to life. We love you. We need you.
Yours sincerely and forever,