Ubisoft Sells Out, South Park Suitable for All Audiences

I's not only the koala crying...

Today, Ubisoft shattered the hopes and dreams of gamers the world over, announcing that the upcoming South Park: The Fractured But Whole will be suitable for all audiences. In an attempt to expand the game’s audience, Ubisoft has revealed that the upcoming sequel to 2014’s The Stick of Truth is so unassuming, so family-friendly, so innocent that it will be fit for release in…Australia.

Silent Protagonist has previously been critical of games being censored for Australian audiences, however we have reconsidered our position, given the country can’t rely on its lawmakers to make laws, instead spending millions of dollars on postal opinion polls. Australians can’t be trusted with nice things.

Talking to Press Start at E3, The Fractured But Whole’s game director, Jason Schroeder foreshadowed Ubisoft’s decision.

I know what’s in the game and I also think I understand the line that’s there to be crossed. I know that we’ve worked closely with Ubisoft who have worked hard with rating boards around the world and we’ve tried to keep everyone in the loop along the way.

Silent Protagonist does not claim to know what is in the game, but we know what is not in the game: a crying koala, the greatest piece of exclusive content Australia has ever seen. Schroeder further admitted that Ubisoft has crossed a line in subjecting the world to Australia’s love of censorship.

I know that none of the content will shock anyone internally and we want to make sure that everyone gets a chance to play all the content we’ve put in the game this time around.
Move along, no internal shocks to be seen here...

Yes, everybody will get to play all of the content that was added to the game, without the crass goodness that South Park fans have become accustomed to. Furthermore, The Fractured But Whole will completely skip a fractured butthole thanks to a distinct lack of internal shocks, all the while missing the perfect opportunity to release the greatest peripheral since the Nintendo Power Glove (hell, this could have heralded the Power Glove’s glorious return).

South Park: The Fractured But Whole is in esteemed company, however, joining some of the finest games to remain uncensored in Australia:

  • Sesame Street Kinect
  • Sonic All-Stars Racing Transformed
  • Pac-Man
  • Marvel Superhero Squad: The Infinity Gauntlet

In other news, Ubisoft has announced that Assassin’s Creed: Origins has reworked the gameplay to appeal to preschoolers. In a bid to capture the gamers of tomorrow with the origins of the Creed, ensuring many years of purchasing those annualised sequels, the game will remove assassinations. No internal shocks from those pesky hidden blades.