What EA’s Hire of Portal Designer Kim Swift Means

All roads lead to EA.

Famed game designer Kim Swift joined EA Motive in a move that leaves us wondering about EA’s future plans.

The most obvious answer would be they are bringing her immense design skills to bear on either the new IP or the Star Wars game being worked on by Jade Raymond’s EA Motive Studio.

Wildly more interesting would be to discuss how Kim Swift’s hire could affect the entirety of EA’s operations.

We do know that EA is willing to crush the dreams of gamers everywhere with ridiculous pricing schemes and EA Origin, which bares startling similarity to Aperture Science’s Take-A-Wish Foundation.

Based on the above I strongly believe that EA have hired Kim Swift in order to build a labyrinthine facility somewhere close to their headquarters in Redwood Shores. This facility would test players in order to find their breaking points, and determine the precise amount of punishment and torture that should be applied to extract maximum micro-transaction value. In a cute nod to Portal, players navigating these test chambers will be able to purchase cake at various rest stops. The cake of course, will be revealed to be digital, and thus the veracity of the original cake offer will remain undetermined.

Moving to the digital realm, EA Sports game have suffered for years under a grueling production schedule, resulting in only minor changes and updates year to year. Years with bigger changes always see a drop in the range of features and even then only really offer the same Football (for our US readers) or Football (for our European friends) experiences. Plus, we know from their abortive attempts and the eventual deformed plaything that was NBA Live that they are struggling to get a Basketball franchise re-established.

Now imagine the revolution to play that adding a portal gun would be to all of the above sports games. Not only would this refresh the genre as a whole, but it would introduce years worth of new tactics and plays, something the entire fan base would surely love.

EA Corporate Fun! for the Sims 4. How long can you hold your audiences attention at a gaming press conference without showing a single piece of game footage?

These moves, along with a lighter, more fun, designed by Kim Swift E3 press conference that includes the threat that any of the audience who refused to demonstrate maximum happiness would be removed to the EA Test Facilities, could see EA finally shrug off years of speculation and actually embrace being the “worst company in America” with the glee and joy such a title demands.

Just to be safe, Silent Protagonist assumes some of this article is #supportedbyEA

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