building walls
I’m coming out of hibernation. I’ve been out to gigs, I’ve been out to eat, and I’ve been on long walks with friends and family. It’s nice and also weird. I know we’ve been out of lockdown for quite a while now but it still feels a bit odd to have the freedom to just go somewhere without thinking twice about it.
Went out for a walk with my friend the other day as the sun went down. We’ve known each other since we were barely older than teenagers, and have been there through deaths and births, fear and excitement, losses and gains. And now we’re here, mid-thirties, contemplating our lives after such a long period of being mostly apart.
At one point we started to talk about boundaries. Covid forced us all to retreat, physically, to create actual barriers between us and everyone else. At the same time, it made me (and a lot of other people I know) feel vulnerable, raw, and desperate to let people in.
I think that’s how I was for a lot of my twenties in general. Vulnerable and raw, desperate to let people in. Actually, I let people into things that I now see as private. How do you set boundaries when you previously didn’t have any? How do you take back control of your own relationships? How do you say to people, ‘I love you but I don’t want you to have access to this part of me anymore’? And how do you walk away from conversations that make you feel uncomfortable?
As a woman, I find this hard. Shedding societally imposed subservience, slowly, layer by layer. Refusing to stuff my own feelings to make other people feel comfortable. Not partaking in things that I’m not sure I should be doing. Not making bad choices for myself and my body and my soul because I just want to have a quiet life.
On the walk home, shivering under the slowly setting sun, I realised: we’re both already doing it. We’re figuring out who we are and what we are okay with and, maybe more importantly, what we’re not okay with, and learning to advocate more for ourselves, not just getting swept along with the tide but living in a way that actually aligns with who we are and what we want for ourselves and other people. That’s actually quite cool.
It excites me, to take ownership. It feels like stepping into myself. It’s making me feel much better about ageing. Because the older I get the more I’ll understand myself. That is a thing to look forward to; stepping out boldly into the world, and developing the wisdom and strength to shape it however we can.
Kind of puts my worrying about wrinkles into perspective.
That’s what I’m thinking about, I guess. The usefulness of both tearing down and rebuilding walls. And about how lucky I am to have people in my life showing me how to do it.
