Becoming
These boys are teaching me so much about pastoring. Who knew that would happen?
20 years ago, when I first began pastoring, I thought I had so much to bring to the table. I was a successful manager, empathetic healthcare provider, and progressive thinker. And, things went well. Several years later my boss said to me, “Well, you haven’t been pastoring for very long, so you don’t really understand.” I retorted, “Well, I’ve been sitting on people’s couches dealing with their struggles for years (as a paramedic), so this really isn’t that much different.”
Although we were able to raise up a successful church, from scratch, many of my management and compassion skills did not transfer over very well to the traditional, rural church setting.
As a college professor, I was able to once again apply my mentoring/coaching skills with my students. Frankly, that was the most rewarding part of my job. And yet, these skills did not seem appreciated by my superiors.
This year, just a month or so ago, I volunteered to be my son’s soccer coach. I thought it would be easy — but then again, I didn’t really realize what I was signing up for. Coaching 5th and 6th grade boys is like herding cats! They cannot stand still, they cannot stop goofing off, and they cannot pay attention longer than about 4.5 seconds. Plus, I’ve learned their hearts/egos are fragile and tender — even though they often put on a tough persona.
And then there are the parents…
The parents are very concerned about the amount of playing time their kid gets, whether they are being treated fairly, or how they are being perceived by me and other parents. Kids seem to make parents truly passionate. I’ve not seen this level of passion in church, jobs, or anything else. So this raises the bar considerably on the social dynamics I encounter.
I actually thought I knew how to coach and mentor — but adding in the parents and these tender boys has really caused me to be hyper aware of my style and the way I present myself.
On top of all of this, even though I am a volunteer, it seems as if I’m treated like staff. This isn’t bad, per se, but it does seem that a consumerism has overtaken our society. It’s as if I am expected to do all the work (eg; pick up equipment, set up a schedule, find volunteers for snacks, keep everyone informed, and do all the coaching work.) — without parental participation. This, more than anything has taught me a lot about what people expect from church pastors. (Or what students expect from college professors?)
As a pastor, who believed that my job was to empower and train the lay members, they told me it was my job to do all the work because that’s why they pay tithe and offerings. In other words, they pay my salary so I need to do what they tell me to do. Now, more than ever, 10 years after I last pastored, I see that attitude in our society — loud and clear.
My daughter says she wishes I was coaching her team. My son is excelling under my tutelage. If it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t even consider doing this again. And then, last week, a single mom approached me and expressed how happy she is to have a male role model in her son’s life. I wonder what impact I’m having on other kids’ lives? I wonder if I’m making an impact on parents? What about the referees and employees of the sports organization?
When we first signed our kids up for soccer, I had a brief conversation with one of the office staff. He was surprised to learn that I was a Christian pastor who loves LGBTQ+ people, supports compassionate government, and other issues. He thanked me for being true to my beliefs. Last night the referee was apologizing for some of his calls. I told him it was OK — we’re all human.He thanked me and went on to say that he’s struggling with a brain disorder. I again said that he did fine and thanked him. He teared up and thanked me for my appreciation. It was a cool moment.
The learning curve is still really steep — and I have a lot more to learn. But this experience is helping me to be a better person and to understand pastoring even better.
