Fighting for My Life

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Silos of Isolation

6 min readFeb 8, 2017

What happens when the world you find yourself in, isn’t the world it should be? What does one do when the organizations they’ve aligned themselves are no longer living the values they should be? How does one manage expectations and disappointments when those around them are not headed in the same direction?

I know that expectations are premeditated resentments. I know that I have a strong sense of what should be, what is supposed to be, and how things ought to operate. I know I’m an idealist. I know that I am precise. I know that I place a high value on excellence.

So, when I find myself in a place that doesn’t match my expectations, and isn’t operating as it could — or should, it is easy for me to grow disappointed. It is easy for me to speak out on the injustice, the mediocrity, and the organizational drift I see around me.

I’m a naive idealist. I naively believe people, organizations, churches, and government can do better. I believe we were created to grow, improve, and attain a higher degree of excellence. I believe that with a little insight, effort, and sweat, we can pull together and rise up to a higher level of performance.

However, I also know this takes leadership, vision, shared values, collaboration, communication, and cooperation.

When it comes to The Church, our mission, vision, and values are really clear. However, through the years/decades/centuries, traditions, politics, and culture have allowed organizational drift to occur. Insiders don’t always see the drift, they become a part of the institutional machinery and so-called survival of the organization. The process of becoming a family organization, friendly, cooperative, and seen as a team-player begins to push away any thoughts of doing things differently.

Outsiders will initially try to fit in and become good employees. They seek to learn the culture, the unwritten rules, and the way things are done. If a newcomer asks any questions, they are usually met with a response similar to: “We’ve always done it that way.” If a newcomer/outsider tries to share how things were done at their former organization, they are usually met with glares or silence. Insiders are not interested in changing anything — they simply want you to go with the flow.

But when the organizational drift has gone so far that the institution no longer reflects its founders intentions or purposes, what are we to do?

One of the problems of living in a bubble is when you’re not. Since I found God and began following Him, I’ve been surrounded by people who practice religion in a real, authentic, relevant, and experiential manner. I grew so used to this, I guess I came to assume The Church understood how to be The Church. A few years ago, I found myself outside of that bubble, and it didn’t go well for me. After a few years of healing and realignment, I found myself in a new place — ready to face the world again, or so I thought.

For the past few months I’ve been fighting for my life. I’ve come to realize that the church and the institutions I’ve committed myself to, are not in alignment with the God I choose to follow. Naively, I assumed they understood these principles and a simple reminder would help them realignment. I grew more and more frustrated as I sought to speak a word to power, but without result.

Sometimes I would sit in meetings, or public gatherings, and find myself simply amazed at how far the organization has drifted from the original intentions of The Church’s purpose. When I spoke up, I felt as if I was speaking a foreign language. When I asked questions, I was met with blank stares and shallow answers. I began to feel arrogant, disgruntled, and quite disappointed. I didn’t understand why we weren’t pursuing a path of discipleship, community, and evangelism. I was confused.

For the past several weeks I’ve been seeking to understand my role and my place in an organization that is out of alignment with what I see as clear biblical principles. The more I spoke up, the more I was ignored. The more I questioned the motives and principles, the more I felt like an outsider. The more I tried to use my gifts, talents, and experience to enhance the organization, the more rejected I felt.

Suddenly, though I didn’t actually realize it at the time, I was in a fight for my life.

Most people don’t realize that dissidents like me are actually loyalists. We speak up because we care about the survival of the organization and the impact that organization makes in the world. Most organizations value those who go with the flow. They fear the questioners, the vocal, and the disagreeable. Even though history is filled with stories of heretics, agnostics, and troublemakers who made significant contributions to life — history is also filled with stories of those martyred for speaking out.

Prophets are rarely well received. Most are ignored, hated, killed, or ostracized — almost always by their own people, or the people they love most.

I now realize the missing component. I don’t believe it is intentional, I believe it is a systemic issue. Foundationally, we, as a church, have not done well in discipleship. Now that lack is coming back to bite us.

When I would speak of Matthew 6, I would get blank stares. When I talked about “Christ’s method alone,” I would only hear crickets. When I mentioned Acts 2 community, I would be met with confused expressions. When I tried to discuss community, evangelism, and discipleship, people seemed to look right through me.

Now, I have come to realize, that I should have started the conversation discussing these foundational principles. But how does one, without a voice (it takes about 8–12 years to be accepted here in the Midwest), build that foundation — especially if I’m about 8–12 years from retirement?

What we have here is a group that considers itself solidly Christian. However, they don’t understand Matthew 6, 25, or 28. They understand “the rules,” but they don’t grasp the principles. They don’t know Acts 2, Timothy, or Amos. They don’t see the lessons of John 3, John 4, or John 10. But if you were to ask them about the reason for our existence, you would be told about denominational doctrines. This is sad. I’m no longer frustrated — just sad.

Forgotten Foundational Values: