Film Review — Moana 2
A deeply average sequel, doubtless decreed into being by algorithmic instruction
In the seventh millennium of time, it came to pass that the Priests of Disney did call upon the Almighty Algorithm, asking from whence would come their next great profit. “Oh, Mighty One, tell us what cash cow we might milk!” they cried, prostrating themselves in sackcloth and ashes, for annual profits had been down, and there had been much wailing and gnashing of teeth in shareholder meetings.
And lo! In its great beneficence, the Almighty Algorithm did answer, saying unto the Priests of Disney: “Send for animation directors David G Derrick Jr, Jason Hand, and Dana Ledoux Miller, and have them oversee an army of underpaid minions to rehash Moana (2016), using similar plot points, fewer laughs, and unmemorable songs.” And the Priests of Disney did as the Almighty Algorithm commanded. Though originally intended as a streaming series, Moana 2 was retooled for cinema release. And there was much excitement among the board members, shareholders, and corporate executives, as they anticipated a return to greater profitability, and that all-important Christmas bonus.
Yet some among the populace questioned the wisdom of the Priests of Disney, stating: “Will not the critics see through the transparent lack of artistic reason to…
