7 Reasons to Stay the Hell Away from your Neighbors

Try the Simply Local app if none of the following 7 reasons to stay the hell away from your neighbors apply to you. But, either way, please enjoy.

You want to be social, fit in, and have something resembling a life. But, so far, you’ve failed. The guys at the gym want nothing to do with you. The girls at the bar always point and laugh when they think you’re not looking. And, even the priest at your temple seems to hold his breath until you’re downwind. So, why bother? There are more reasons to stay away from your neighbors than to befriend them. Here are just a few:

They Have Covid-19

You know you’ve seen your neighbors walking around without a mask and having a good ol’ time chatting and laughing with each other. Or, maybe they wear a mask but allow their noses to peek out over the top. Do you really think they’re washing their hands regularly? C’mon, be honest: Do you even wash your hands regularly? Covid-19 has provided the perfect excuse to stay the hell away from your neighbors. Use it liberally!

They Don’t Like You

To tell you the truth, you’re just not that cool or interesting. Aside from saying the cursory “Hello!” when they see you around the colony, your neighbors really don’t want anything more to do with you. If you think about it clear-headedly, would you really want to meet yourself? I didn’t think so. Besides, what are you and your neighbors going to talk about or do together, anyway? Right. Absolutely nothing. So, why even try to pretend that you have something to contribute when it’s clear that you don’t?

They’re Serial Killers

You’ve considered it. You may have even talked about it with your family or friends. That lonely old man who never leaves his house might, just might, be a serial killer. Why are his lights on throughout the night? Why does it sometimes sound like a carpenter’s workshop in there? And, what’s with all of the trash bags in front of his house? You should just trust your gut, protect your family, and stay the hell away from your neighbors! It could actually be the difference between life and death.

Neighbors Suck

I mean, aside from the occasional cup of milk or spoonful of sugar, what are neighbors really good for anyway? They gossip, spread lies, pry into your private life, and generally annoy the heck out you. So, why would you ever want to bring them a little bit closer? I suppose it’s okay to make new connections with your neighbors if you enjoy doing favors, having your dirty laundry aired, and getting betrayed at the least opportune moments in your life. On the other hand, it’s much better to balance privacy and arm’s-length networking through Simply Local!

All They Want Are Your Secrets

And, speaking of gossip, your neighbors already know about the skeletons in your closet. They all do. You’ve seen the way they look at you when you pass by. Those fearful stares. The derision on their faces. They are well-aware that you’re a dirty piece of human trash that’s merely all shined up to look presentable. It’s best to let them wonder if the rumors are true than to have a conversation with them and remove all doubt. Don’t blow your cover!

They’ll Borrow Your Stuff And Never Return It

For many, the absolute worst thing about neighbors is that they’ll borrow your things and never return them. You know it will happen. It’s a cliché for a reason. If you value your autographed Creed albums or that complete box set of Sex and the City DVDs that got you through all those lonely nights, then you might just want to skip the whole neighborliness thing. Better to be a hermit and hold onto your treasured collection of bottle caps than to wind up with all your belongings spread throughout your neighbors homes.

It’s Just Easier

If you haven’t figured it out by now, it’s just easier to avoid your neighbors. No boring chit-chat about the weather. No stories about little Vijay’s latest cricket match. And, most importantly, no drama. If you want to live a quiet, peaceful life, then simply forego the neighborhood friendships and stick to your TataSky subscription and your twelve cats. At least their expectations are clear and they won’t tell anyone what you really look like when you step out of the shower.

Hey! Do none of the above reasons to stay the hell away from your neighbors apply to you? Then, log onto your Simply Local — Neighborhood Directory and Broadcasting Service and get to know your neighbors better.