Is it really better to give than receive?

I’m beginning to wonder…

Lauren M. Bentley
Aug 25, 2017 · 5 min read
Source: Lars Plougmann, Flickr

If it’s so much better to give than to receive, why is receiving so much harder?

As a new mom, I’m learning a lot about how to receive — and learning how difficult it is, especially when you don’t have the capacity to give back in equal measure. Recovering from my c-section, I had to rely so completely on others. I needed my husband to take care of the baby. I needed my mom to take care of me. I was supposed to be a mother, and all the care and nurture that implied, and I didn’t feel up for the task. Instead, I was forced to receive.

Then Christmas came, and for whatever reason, friends kept giving me better gifts than I had given them. I had a six-month-old, and much less energy to “match” the usual gift-giving standards.

The kicker came on our family trip to California to be with my extended family. I love my family, but because we have very different political and social views, I was gearing myself up for a week of snarky, pointless debates that left everyone frustrated.

Instead, the most incredible thing happened. I was sitting in the corner of a large sectional, exhausted. We’d just flown in from BC that day, and I was wary. I didn’t have enough energy for a fight, but was still preparing myself to be on the defensive. As I crouched in my corner, family members, one by one, started coming up to me and giving me gifts. Scott gave me a squeaky monkey toy for my baby. Beth gave me a necklace. Spencer brought a book for both me and my husband.

I, on the other hand, had brought nothing but my fear and readiness for a fight. Suddenly, my defenses were completely disarmed, and all I could do was receive.

— —

North Americans are independent and self-reliant. It’s what we are raised to be. Giving is good, but being in the position of giver is a powerful one. It creates a natural imbalance in your favour that, according to the social contract, is up to the other person to make up by giving something back.

Even among my best friends, there is a sense that we should meet each other perfectly in input and output: Yes, you’ll take care of me when I’m sick, but the understanding is that I’ll do the same for you later.

There’s nothing wrong with this social contract. Mutual giving and receiving is the foundation of healthy relationships and societies. But what about when the give/receive ratio is completely out of whack? What if you get sick with an illness that isn’t over in a week? There are those in society that have very little to give and require so much from others — where do they fit in?

I found myself stressed by my constant status as being the one in a position of weakness. That’s not who I see myself as. I don’t like asking for favours, and I feel the social obligations strongly, so I try to avoid them.

Giving, I thought, is supposed to be the difficult piece, something we do altruistically, outside of our own best interest. But in reality, I began to see giving as something easy and satisfying. $25 to help an aid charity? No problem. But asking a friend for a favour I may not be able to repay? Needing forgiveness when the other person was in the right? Being surprised by a gift that makes my own offering look paltry? These are direct ego-busters. They empty me of my power. They, in the smallest of ways, align me with those who have almost nothing to give.

The irony of it all is that when I am in the position of giver, I would often say I expect nothing in return. Friends who give generously at Christmas have never asked for more from me in exchange. Friends who brought meals in those first weeks of motherhood never demanded that I do the same for them. But I would constantly find ways to comfort myself, think of ways we were actually even, or ways I could even the score.

It’s like when I receive a compliment and instantly give one back, just to keep the playing field level. I know I should just say thank you.

I’ve been so cognizant of the difficulty of receiving this year that I had convinced myself that “better to give than receive” must be one of those “God helps those who help themselves” sayings of dubious, extra-scriptural wisdom. But no — I looked it up and there it was, not just in the Bible, but attributed directly to Jesus, who, even if you don’t believe to be divine, is generally recognized as a speaker of truth.

So I’m not ready to say receiving is better than giving. But it’s a position I’ve found myself in more often than not lately, and I’m beginning to see the value in it, even if I receive more than I can give. My pastor recently went so far as to say faith itself is a posture of reception, challenging us to accept our positions as “glorified beggars”: essentially, that I am not the independent, self-made woman I’d like to be, but a person who needs help from others to make life possible (often more than I’d like to admit). This position of need reminds me that I’m part of something bigger than myself, helps me accept that I don’t have as much control over the world as I’d like. It reminds me that when I am in the position to give, it is always better to do so.

This doesn’t make receiving any less difficult; it doesn’t make it hurt my ego less, or lessen my desire to “make up for it.” But it does reveal the richness that can come from being in a weaker position. Deeper relationships. More peace in the face of need. And a stronger desire to give when I am able.

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Lauren M. Bentley

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