Dear Men, Here’s a List of Seemingly Harmless Things you do that Scare Me
Sincerely, a girl who wishes she was overreacting
Dear Men,
There are things you do that you probably don’t think twice about. They are technically harmless. But in the hands of the wrong man, they are deadly. The problem? I don’t know which of you are harmless. I wish I did. It would save a lot of pain and heartache to just know that simple fact.
Are you actually a kind, caring person, or are you a conniving snake ready to strike because he’s in pain and is too cowardly to do the work of healing?
If I could have one superpower, I think it would be to know the intentions of an action. I am sadly lacking in superpowers.
I will understand if it upsets you that these things make me scared. I understand if it’s confusing to you that I shut down or just leave. I don’t expect you to understand. All I ask is that those of you who are kind and caring would care enough to listen. Listen and remember and maybe, just maybe, learn to change a little. Not because you have to, or because you are wrong to do these things, but because you now understand that they are scary (even if you don’t fully understand why). Maybe by knowing, some of you will choose to relieve just a little of this burden from the shoulders of the women in the world around you.
Always wanting to call instead of text
What goes through my head when you want to call instead of text is that there will be no written record of what has happened. No trail of proof (read: accountability) for what you have said.
And I don’t mean so that the girl group-chat can pick apart your texts. I mean so that when you start saying things that cross a line, and I say I don’t want you speaking to me like that, you can gaslight me and make me feel like I’m overreacting. And it’s not in writing, so it’s your word against mine. And we both know whose word is taken more seriously in this world. Trust me, I’m not naive to the power dynamic between us.
I have no way of rereading your texts and figuring out if there are red flags or if you’re being sweet.
If you’re a kind and genuine human I feel like this is hard to explain so that you’ll understand; if you’re a conniving snake you already know what you’re doing and you don’t need an explanation, do you?
Just trust me, it’s nice to call once we’ve been talking for a while, and I feel safer around you. But please let a few of the first conversations happen via text.
Your preferred form of communication is Snapchat
I’m scared of those who prefer Snapchat to texting. And it’s not because of the photos you might send, you can do that via text as well. It’s because any messaging we do on Snapchat gets permanently deleted. If I screenshot it, you get notified. Once again, there is no paper trail of our conversation.
Which would be fine if I trusted you, but I think by now we’re both aware of why I can’t trust you until you let me. I’ve given men the benefit of the doubt one too many times; when I weigh the potential cost of being wrong (my wellbeing) against the possibility of being right (you treat me like a person), the scales are imbalanced. I’m sorry, but I’ve used up the energy it takes to give you the benefit of the doubt.
Please give me a reason to trust you. I’m exhausted by spending my life glancing over my shoulder, but it’s what I have to do.
If you ask for my snap instead of my number it will make me nervous. I could imagine if you’re naive enough to the antics of other men in this world, you might even think Snapchat is less scary for me, but just know that it isn’t.
When you ask, I usually say I don’t have one, and let the conversation fizzle out.
That’s easier than saying I don’t trust you enough to give it to you. (Note to self: why is it that even before I meet you I’m scared of making you angry?)
If you mention violence of any kind
Dear Men,
I feel like some of you think that talking about violent acts you’ve committed towards other men in “defense of a woman” will make me see you as a hero. It doesn’t. At all.
It freaks me out and makes me start looking for an exit route. One that won’t make you mad or feel like I’m questioning your masculinity in any way.
My first thought is, “What is his motive for telling me about the drunken bar fight he got into?”
If you’re willing to be violent towards anyone, it makes me scared. How can I know that you won’t get violent towards me if you don’t get what you want? The short answer, I can’t.
You might say, “But I told you, I was defending a woman when I got in that fight!”
Okay. Did she ask you to step in and get into a physical fight on her behalf? Did she need you to get into a fight for her? Did you try every other option before moving in with your fists?
Honestly, if I don’t know you, I have no way of knowing. If I don’t know you, I won’t give you the benefit of the doubt. If I know that you are willing to get into a fight with someone and then brag about it later, I assume you will be willing to use physical violence towards me.
I would rather overreact on this one than find out the hard way that I should have.
Talking poorly about your Ex
Dear Men,
Please learn to say more about your Ex than, “She was a B*tch.”
She may have been horrible. There are some really terrible women out there, but you speaking harshly about your Ex tells me more about you than it does about her.
(Also, remember that I don’t want to build a relationship with your Ex, I want to get to know you. If you can tell me in an adult way what happened, what you learned, and how you’ve grown since then, I will quite literally swoon. And yes, that means that my standards are literally on the ground at this point and somehow a large number of you still manage to limbo right under them more often than I like to admit.)
Best case scenario, you speaking harshly about her means you haven’t gotten over her yet (yes, best case is still bad).
Worst case scenario is that you are emotionally immature, play the victim, and gaslight the people around you.
I understand frustration with your Ex. But just know that I am not the person to speak to like that about her. Hire a therapist, call your Dad, or go fishing with your best friend — there are people out there for you, but me, the girl you’re in the early stages of building a relationship with, is not that person.
Keeping score
If you ever, and I mean ever, insinuate that you should get your way this time because I got my way last time, I get scared.
I didn’t know we were keeping score. I thought we were finding compromises.
I don’t want to feel coerced into something because, “Well, last time we did what you wanted so this time let’s do what I want.”
Once again, once I know you and feel safe around you, you can ask if we can watch the movie you’re interested in, since we watched my movie last time. But if I don’t know you, and I start to see hints of “keeping score,” my fear radar starts picking up a blip on the screen.
Now, I’m not asking you to not have an opinion. I want you to have an opinion (in fact, never having your own opinion or preference will also plant a seed of doubt and fear in me). I just mean don’t tell me the reason we should do what you want is because I “owe” it to you for any reason.
I will also want to compromise. I’m not unreasonable. I just don’t want you to get your way based off of a score chart that I didn’t know about.
Dear Men, I’m sorry
I’m sorry that there are good ones of you out there who would probably do all of these things with genuinely innocent intentions. I’m sorry because life probably feels more like a walk through a minefield than a meadow these days, where any step you take might blow up in your face. I’m sorry because I see how challenging being a man is; as a boy you were told to “toughen up” and now as an man you’re asked to intuitively understand other’s fear. It’s unfair. I see that.
Please know that I wish these weren’t things that made me scared. I wish they didn’t send warning lights flashing in my head. I wish I didn’t feel the need to look for an exit sign because you did one of these things. But I do, and I thought you might like to know.
Sincerely,
A girl who wishes she was overreacting
