What I learned in therapy…
I could without a doubt describe myself as a neurotic person. There has actually never been a time in my life when I wasn’t preoccupied in one way or another with the state of my mental health.
In this, I was still relatively lucky. From the broad spectrum of mental illnesses, I had dealt with the comparatively “simple” issues. At this point I do not want to ascribe a greater or lesser importance to any illness, but as a social worker I have been able to gain enough experience to know very well what mental illness can look like in other cases.
Nevertheless, I have suffered.
So much so that I even declared it to be my identity.
Not on purpose, of course, but at some point the boundaries between what I understood to be good and wrong became blurred.
At some point my phobia, my depression became the necessary evil to stay alive. Paradoxically, one might think, especially when not wanting to live was the main symptom on some days.
It was a very gradual process. But my Phobia, Anxiety and Depression became my compass that clearly indicated what decision to make and how.
If this compass had been torn from my hand too early, I would have been quite lost and would certainly have fallen down an abyss.
At the beginning of the year it became increasingly clear to me that my compass was not aligned with the magnetic field around it and that I was basically just spinning in circles.
It was time to get myself some help.
I went to therapy assuming that my compass needed to be adjusted, but what I learned was that I don’t need anything more than myself and my body.
My body is my compass and it works better than swiss clockwork. My therapist took me by the hand and showed me the way back in my body. When John Mayer sang “Your Body is a wonderland” he spoke of romantic togetherness, but I conquered my body as a wonderland and with it a romantic solitude.
A loneliness that allowed me to FEEL what I love.
The boredom in which my phobia and depression manifested itself increasingly gave way to the things that make my heart beat tangibly. For this reason alone, you are reading these lines.
Admittedly, I still have moments of lethargy and melancholy, but on the days when I’m not writing these little articles, I’m now writing real scripts, drawing, meeting friends to cook and making little plans for a great future.
In the back of my mind, because what I’ve also learned is that what works for others is sometimes the start of a depressive episode for me. I often wish I was someone who set 5 goals, broke them down into intermediate steps and then implemented them. I would love to join the 5AM club, but I found that I would not be a reliable member.
I had to learn that I have routines that simply have not yet been written down in any book for successful entrepreneurs, yet have gotten me to this point in my life.
The point where I am doing what I love.
During the half year of therapy I experienced what my mother always told me:
“Honey, if you think too long, you’ll mess up. Your life always went best when you followed your intuition and what you love.”
The findings of my therapy, can most certainly be found in countless self-help books. I write them down here, not only to encourage people to get help, but to celebrate myself:
- I am not an entrepreneur, but an artist in my entire essence.
2. Calling myself an artist is not self-centered, but mostly just honest.
3. I am not an introvert or socially awkward. I just know when it’s time for me to leave a party.
4. I am persistent and creative when I do the right thing.
5. I measure the right thing by how much my head disappears between my shoulders.
6. I like strange hairstyles and colorful fingernails.
7. My father has always loved me.
8. My mother has always loved me.
9. Life takes place in cycles and some cycles are more painful than its own.
10. Love cannot be taken, it can only be given.
Yesterday I had my last session and now?
An excitement is spreading inside me. I am not nervous but feel anticipation for all that is to come. For every situation where I will say “no”, draw boundaries and break down walls.
I look forward to going on the journey with my body knowing,
That I can’t get lost.
