Boulders Make Mountains

I have been single almost 2 years now. In September of 2015 my partner of 5 years called it quits and politely asked that I not return to her house (where I and my teenage son had been living with her and her 2 children). It literally took my breath away and sent me reeling into a dark abyss of self-judgement and anger.

That’s when I re-committed myself to my meditation practice and Buddhism. It saved my life.

I learned to sit and observe, which at the start was like listening to fingernails on a chalkboard. I had so many thoughts rolling through my head — most of them were judgmental of me, her, or the universe itself. They peppered me like a barrage of bullets. I had no shield to deflect them so I absorbed each one, intensifying my suffering.

Gradually, that changed.

I learned that the more I sat in silence, the more I could disengage from the destructive thoughts. They were still there — even today — but I don’t attach to them like I used to. I notice them. I might give them a moment’s attention and then let them go. That is freedom from mind.

I heard a wonderful story by the great American Buddhist, Jack Kornfield, in which he described a walk he took one day with his Zen master. They came upon a large boulder in a field.

“Is that boulder heavy?” his master asked.

“Yes, of course,” Jack replied.

“Not if you don’t pick it up,” his master said.

We pick up so many boulders and carry them around. We feel the heaviness of shame, guilt, anger, and other negative thoughts everyday — often unaware that we are thinking them. Meditation slows our minds down and we begin to realize, “Hey, I’m picking that boulder up. That’s really freaking heavy and makes me feel like shit.” Gradually, we understand that we have a choice. Maybe picking that boulder up isn’t such a good idea.

Sometimes life seems like a mountain we can’t possibly climb. Maybe we can learn to see that climbing boulders isn’t the way to get to the top.

Maybe we’re already there.