Ask Kevin Counselling! : Spark in a Long Distance Relationship — Indian Matchmaking

| Single to Shaadi

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Single to Shaadi

8 min readOct 30, 2020

Kevin Singh (also known as Kevin Counselling) is a licensed social worker and psychotherapist based out of downtown Toronto. More specifically, he is a relationship and sex therapist whose mission is help people improve their mental health, sex life, and relationships. As a south Asian, he knows how controversial it can be to discuss these topics and approaches them with sensitivity, strict confidentiality, and zero judgement.

We’re delighted to have teamed up with this expert to answer YOUR questions over the next several weeks, as a part of our Ask Kevin Counselling! series.

Dear Kevin Counselling,
How can one keep the spark going while in a long distance relationship? And, to follow up, what is the most important aspect in keeping the emotional intimacy alive in a long term relationship?

The first, and most important statement I will make, is that I don’t recommend long distance relationships (LDR’s). Sometimes it is unavoidable but if it is a matter of making a little more money or the relationship, I would choose the latter. That said, sometimes situations are unavoidable and perhaps there are immigration issues or a forced schedule due to school or work that cannot be overcome.

The good news is that long distance relationships CAN work if you prioritize key habits and couple exercises. These are Kevin Counselling’s Top Ten Rules to Making Long Distance Relationships Work.

Get on the same page from the start

Are you exclusive? Open? Taking a break? Are you both committed to making it work, despite the distance? Don’t take this step for granted. Know from the get-go what you both want and in which format. Actually take the time to verbalize it aloud because it will set the stage for what follows, provide context later, and prevent unnecessary arguments.

Know your End Goal

I am usually all for ‘letting the experience guide you’, but that open mindedness does not extend to the LDR World. In this dynamic, it’s important that you both have the same destination in mind. Ask questions like the following:

‘do we want to have kids together?’
‘is marriage on the table?’
‘is there a certain place that you see yourself settling down?’
‘what are your Musts for this relationship to work long term?’

At the end of the day, long distance relationships must come to an end you will be together in person. This type of discussion about common end goals will help motivate you to make the shared vision happen.

Do ‘You’

A healthy relationship with your partner is one without too much dependence. Make sure to prioritize your independence and self-love before teaming up with anyone else. Use this time away from your significant other to get in touch with your hobbies and passions. Learn via mentors, courses, blogs, and books. Develop strong relationships with the people you do have around you at the moment, such as your friends, family, and self.

Say Goodbye to Bland Texting

It’s okay for task talk or kiss emoji messages in the night and morning but stop there. As much as possible, and definitely during scheduled date nights, communicate via video chat. This is very easy to do via Facetime, WhatsApp, Zoom, Snapchat, Facebook Messenger, and many other apps. Sending audio messages on social media will also go a long way to better communication. It’s more intimate than texting and is more special than the same old common texts.

Send Real Gifts and Letters

There is nothing like a real letter or postcard with your own writing. You both can share from your heart or find a poem that you feel represents your feelings and mail it over. I suggest turning this into a little game where all mementos are collected and placed into a scrapbook at the end. In terms of gifts, you can send flowers, chocolates, or even uber eats once a month.

Publicly Communicate Your Love

Publicly post how much you care on social media for your friends, family, and partner to see. Post a pic and paragraph showering them with care. If you want an easy excuse to do this, use the hashtags #mancrushmonday or #womancrushwednesday. Don’t over use this tactic though or your online friends will feel alienated. I recommend once every 2 months at most.

Avoid the ‘Minimum or Maximum’ Communication Pattern

Assuming you two are compatible, and have done that work before physically separating, this is the most important principle on this list. My long distance relationship clients usually make two major, and easily avoidable, mistakes. First, they will not communicate enough or second, they will communicate too much. Every relationship has its own rhythm but for the vast majority of couples, constant discussions every day is not helpful. Ever hear the saying that familiarity breeds contempt? It means that we take for granted what we have or experience constantly. We also get bored. Talking about work, sports, and your mutual social circle is not sexy. Instead, allow your partner to miss you. A day of rain causes us to long for the sun and it’s the same with your other half. I suggest video sessions twice a week with daily good morning/goodnight texts. That said, look at this as a guideline and not a rule. If your partner needs you, make yourself available on the fly.

Schedule

This one is part and parcel with the above and is extremely important. Schedule Everything. i.e. When you two will meet in person. Know how long this mini-reunion will last and what you are going to do. Also figure out when the entire relationship will become physically close again and the LDR challenge will be over. For example, if your partner is abroad for a project, know when it will end. If it will take 12 months, are you able to meet for a short while, at the 6 month point, at a resort for a week?

Those are the big things to schedule but don’t forget about the important every day. How often do you both want to meet virtually? One day a week or two? I would not recommend more that due to number 7 on this list. Know if there is a time zone difference and schedule a time that works for both of you.

Add all actionable items in this list to your calendar as soon as you can. This includes when to post the public love (#6) and when to send gifts and letters (#5). Consistency is key here.

Avoid Rocky Situations

It’s easy to do things you know your partner doesn’t like when they are not there. It makes sense for you to want to take advantage of this time to exercise your freedom. However, I would think twice for one major reason. Your partner is not physically there and will likely feel helpless when compared to past arguments. This can trigger them more than before and greatly escalate past disagreements. For example, maybe your partner doesn’t want you hitting up a night club or hanging out with a specific person. Doing this when they are physically present in the same city as you can sting but it really cushions the blow that you two (and possibly others) can problem solve in person. That option is taken away in long distance relationships. I am not telling you allow your partner to control your life; you are the captain of your ship, but do be aware that the dynamic has changed and certain situations can blow up worst than before. The feeling of helplessness and lacking control is a powerless feeling that does not bode well.

Plan Date Nights

Now that you know when you are going to meet, and how long these rendezvous are going to last, the question is what you will do. Here are 3 ideas to get you started:

Netflix and Chill 2.0 Pick a new TV show that you both like. Make sure it is brand new to you both and neither of you have watched it before. Make the commitment to only watch it with each other. Netflix and Chill without cuddling may seem like a drag but the shared, and exclusive experience will bring you both together. I recommend picking two shows: A 1 hour serious-y show for days when you both want to be together with less or energy use. And a funny 20-min show when a quick laugh is needed. Steamy movies can work well too. Don’t forget the popcorn with the masala flavored powder. Yum!
Food Fight As in a competition not a pitching a content. Find a recipe you both like. You each go to your local store and buy all of the ingredients. Cook that same meal together over online video. Have a beverage, toast, and have fun comparing who made it better.
Phone Sex This can be intimidating for many but is worth the effort. If neither of you have done it before, it’s even better because you’re having a new experience together.

- Step 1) Both of you dress for the occasion. This can mean hair, make up, lingerie, jewelry, etc. Whatever works for you. Bonus tips if are able to wear something your partner likes on you or bought for you.

- Step 2) Start with foreplay. This means texting for a bit before sending sexy gifs and then teasing each other with short videos on Snapchat. If you didn’t know, videos delete from the other person’s phone after viewing on this app. There is a similar feature on Instagram. Then meet in full glory on zoom. Take your time with this and add candles if it’s your thing. You can even play strip poker to spice this up later.

- How To: Ask your partner what he/she wants sexually the next time you two are in person. Ask what turns them on and what they are wearing. Find out what they want to talk about directly and if there are any words or phrases that especially turn them on. Depending on your comfort level, you both can begin masturbating as well. Always complement how your partner looks and sounds. And of course, laugh about how interesting all this is and enjoy a different type of experience.

Thank you dear reader — I am proud to be South Asian and wouldn’t change that for anything. I also know that growing up Desi isn’t easy and comes with its own set of special rules, challenges, pressures, and struggles.
I know all this because I have been through it. I had major issues with my mental health, sex life, and relationships but could never find a therapist who understood me. That’s why I do what I do and this is a responsibility I take seriously.
I invite you to learn more by visiting my profile today at relationshipandsexsolutions.com
Sincerely,
Kevin Singh