Dhara’s Decade of Dating Part I — Indian Matchmaking
| Single to Shaadi
“I entered the dating world when I was 15. I got engaged when I was 25. In the decade between my first kiss and my happily ever after, I found myself in a series of long distance relationships.
To all the boys I have loved, 3 in total, I am grateful for the good times and the tough lessons. I regret nothing in our respective relationships and wish them all the best (my husband, especially, since he’s stuck with me for life)!”
To protect their anonymity, I will refer to them as follows:
- My first love;
- My second love; and
- My true love (for those who know my husband, he has read this, so no surprises here!)
Each one of these relationships resulted in long distance at one point or another, in some cases, multiple times during the relationship. I experienced LDR in all stages of young romance: dating while in highschool and college, dating while working a full time job and traveling each week, distance as an engaged couple, planning a wedding, and even through marriage. The distances varied from as little as 3 hours driving to 10 hours of flying to see the person I loved.
As you can imagine, I have plenty of stories and advice to offer from these experiences. This is a long piece, so don’t worry if you can’t get through it in one go. In whatever capacity you chose to read this editorial, my hope is that you find comfort knowing you are not alone, and that you walk away with some tips that can help you enrich your own relationships!
A Decade of Dating:
Finding love was always an intentional goal for me. I never saw dating as a casual thing — I viewed it as the only way to meet my life partner. Initially, I gravitated to a boy that made me giddy, then I looked for someone I could be unapologetically myself around, finally, I knew that I needed a person I could look to at any moment and call them my best friend.
Relationships are hard, and Long Distance Relationships are even harder. However, I think this more or so sums up what a lot of people want out of love & life: passion, respect, security, understanding, and friendship. In order to achieve these things, you have to weigh the cost-benefit of any relationship, especially an LDR, and decide if it is worth the effort.
Advice for those of you just starting to date:
1.Focus on yourself first — make sure you are happy and confident in who you are. This will make it easier to not settle.
2. Don’t look for someone else to complete you — look for someone who enriches you.
3. When you are in a LDR, it is imperative that there is a long term commitment in mind, otherwise, you will be wasting your time. If you are a fiercely independent person, it is easy to use a long distance relationship as a security blanket. Never commit to a LDR just because you are afraid you will end up alone.
4. Don’t lie to your parents or keep the relationship from the people who really care about you. Deep down, they truly want what’s best for you, and if they have not been through the dating scene (a majority of brown parents have not) it’s a very foreign concept to them. If they have their doubts about a prospective partner, hear them out. You don’t have to agree with them, but there is no harm in hearing what concerns them so you can decide for yourself if those concerns are deal breakers.
Although my Indian parents were not thrilled when I started to show interest in dating at such a young age, they trusted me and made me comfortable enough to open up to them. Sometimes this backfired as it often does with parents. However, looking back, I like to think the open communication method was the best way to go. If your parents are super strict, try having more, not less, conversations about what’s important to you that they understand. Baby steps! My parents came a LONG way from when I was a kid (kudos to both my siblings for helping them get there)!
5. Prioritize becoming good friends with a person before jumping into a relationship. The foundation of a solid friendship is so important to the confidence in a relationship. If you’re getting to know him/her through distance, this is especially important.
Most of you will scrunch up your nose at this one and say “I don’t want to be friendzoned.” Trust me, if there is an attraction between the two of you, the romance part will come — and you will be happy you are friends already so you can be awkward together :)
6. This is more for the women out there, but can apply to men as well. Don’t ever do anything you are not ready to do! Go with your gut. Women are born with incredible intuition, the sad thing is when we are young, we rarely listen to it because of the external pressures we face.
One time, this guy that I was dating long distance was visiting me and he wanted to move things along physically “because we don’t see each other much, so we have to make the most of our time.” I wasn’t ready and I made that known. It doesn’t matter if you live near or far, only take the steps that you are ready for, when you are ready for them — just remember it’s your life, your choice.
Authors Note:
Dear Reader,
PHEW! That was LONG, huh? If you made it through all of that, then thank you for reading! If you just skimmed it, that’s OK. In whatever capacity you consumed the content, I hope you were able to take away something that you could relate to or find helpful.
Please do not hesitate to reach out with any questions or comments; I love to hear the stories of my readers and how my work has impacted them!
Best,
Dhara
Originally published at https://www.singletoshaadi.com on March 9, 2021.
