The Hierarchy of the 3 Pillars of Connection — Indian Matchmaking
| Single to Shaadi
Disclaimer: I’m not an expert in anything, I’m a regular male human being that cares about people and giving my opinion based on my personal experiences. This is solely my take, everyone has a different perspective, there is no right or wrong way to build a solid connection, if it works for you then that’s what matters the most. This is just a way I have structured my analysis of whether a person is a good match and if there’s a chance for love in the future. Also, this is assuming you don’t know the person you’re interested in, this is a random potential dater and not a family friend or a friend of a friend or a mutual friend etc.
Level 1 — Body
This is the easiest level to reach and often the fastest. The reason is simple, it’s the first thing you see. From a male perspective, we are very visual creatures. The question is, does that make us superficial? If you’re basing EVERYTHING off of physical characteristics, then yes. However, the gateway to reach the next level is if the person of interest can get past this first level which is Body, the physical part. Physicality and being attracted to someone physically in my opinion is the first “test” so to speak. If you’re not physically attracted to your partner, you’re just friends. If you want kids and you’re not physically attracted to that person, then you’re going to have to force yourself to be with that person in that way? It shouldn’t have to feel like a forced obstacle but rather someone you desire and want to be with physically. Your partner will also want to feel desired, it’s a great feeling to know you’re wanted and you’re being deemed as attractive. Men absolutely like having the affirmation of being desired and will often absorb this and convert it as one of the factors of love. However, this can’t be a one-way street. The man must definitely show this desire equally to his partner. This level of Body is an important way to connect with someone and it isn’t just about how a person looks or about the sex. This is also about non-verbal communication, public displays of affection (if you’re open in this way, depends on the person) and the overall level of physical comfortability you both are together. Also, some people’s love language is physical touch and this would conceptually fall under this level.
Level 2 — Mind
Mind is the next level after Body that will take much more time, energy and effort. This is very dependent on both people verbalizing their thoughts, values, morals, viewpoints and perspectives. Being transparent with one another and clearly communicating as open and honest as possible from the very start is a major key to understanding someone and being able to accept that person for who they are at face value. However, it doesn’t happen on the first date usually, so it takes time to open up especially when it comes to any skeletons in the closets or vices that could be a deal breaker or impact the relationship dynamic in the future. Being sure to discuss your passions and what is important to you in life such as political views, morals or values and more is important to be clear about because you need your significant other to support you even when it’s not a part of them or when they disagree. The reason why I say this is because it’s almost impossible to find someone that agrees with everything you say or sees life 100% the way you do, but what’s more important is that they support you in your world view even when it’s not in their realm. Being open-minded in however way you can will you connect with that person on an intellectual level and help the conversation flow a lot better. Communicating any non-flexible deal breakers before the first date will save you a lot of hassle in figuring out if this is the right potential partner for you in the future. This is probably even more important if you’re a South Asian that lies more on the traditional side of the culture. For me for example, I’m an Indo-Caribbean-American so my worldview is the very opposite of a traditional Indian and would need a person that is like that or at the very least, accepts me for that. This level is actually the most important level and can easily make or break a connection, especially if you are a sapiosexual. This level shows how you live your life, what your beliefs are, what morals you live by and what topics of interest you and your partner can intellectually bond on. Like I said earlier, this level requires the most detail and work.
Level 3 — Soul
This is the most challenging level in a connection and it is rare. This is the level that will indicate if this is your true LIFE PARTNER. This level is intangible compared to the previous two levels. It cannot be indicated by any of the 5 basic human senses (touch, sight, hearing, smell and taste) like the previous two levels. You’re probably asking yourself, how do I know I’m at this level with this person I’m dating? Assuming you’ve reached past Levels 1 and 2, you have to start to open your “third eye” and tap into your feelings or emotions. How does this person make you feel when you think about them? How do they make you feel when you’re with them? This isn’t love I’m talking about either, this could be many feelings such as happiness, confidence, uplifting, joyous and more. However, if what you think of are negative emotions/feelings, then this is bad sign that this might not be a good connection and is most likely due to a significant issue in either Level 1 or 2 or even both. You know how people say there’s awkward silence sometimes between someone? If you have achieved Level 3, then there shouldn’t be any awkward silence. Being with that person silence shouldn’t be bother to you or make you feel weird, better yet, it should lean towards the opposite that.
Level 4 — Heart
This is the highest level of connection you can achieve with your significant other. If you feel like you achieved Level 3 then all three levels are complete. Combined this can be perceived as love. Where you connect with someone on all three fronts. This can be physically felt and sometimes not. For example, that tingly feeling in your stomach or heart when you think of or are around this person is an indicator you may love this person. This level can sometimes make you feel like you’re yearning for this person, but depending on the dynamic of the relationship, that can be viewed as needy or clingy or can also be viewed as endearing as you have this high level of care and want to be with this person. At the end of the day, there’s a million ways to explain love. For each unique individual person there is a unique individual view of what love means to them, how they give love and how they receive love.
What does this mean to you?
There is no right or wrong to how you view each level. You might not even have a hierarchy for each level like me. You might not even have levels. You might have a totally different system of analysis when you’re deciding whether this person you’re dating is a good match for you. You might not even have a system at all. There is no right or wrong way to how you connect with a person. What matters is that this person will be compatible for how you want to connect. That doesn’t mean this person has to be exactly like you, sometimes opposites attract. Why does that happen? It’s probably because both persons are conducive to each other’s’ unique needs. Those needs can be similar or different between both persons. This is my way of understanding what a connection means to me. What is yours?
- Lenny Rampersaud
Originally published at https://www.singletoshaadi.com on August 2, 2021.
