20-Something.

It’s always been said that it is impossible to experience love when you are 20-something. They say that you haven’t experienced enough of the world and that you’re not ready. I’m not sure if I believe that. I would like to think that I have experienced love and that I have been able to connect with someone on that more profound level, but I’m not sure. I would also like to think that my first experience with love was when I was twenty years old. When I was twenty, I did what most black gay men do in Baltimore and went on an app called “Jackd”. If you are black, gay, and horny jackd is the best place to look. I was like a kid in a candy store scrolling through all of the hot men and desperately trying not to foam at the mouth. I stopped scrolling when I came across a man that really intrigued me. His name was Trayvon. Trayvon was gorgeous with the prettiest smile that you have ever seen. I built up enough courage and I finally messaged him. We talked on the app for about two weeks before we finally met. Trayvon wasn’t really interested in dating because he had just gotten out of a relationship three weeks before we started connecting, but he was very interested in sex.

I was naive enough to think that maybe sex could push him to be interested in getting to know me on a deeper level and that maybe one-day things would work out with him on a romantic level, and spoiler alert it never did. Can I even say that the sex was worth the waiting and hoping that he would want me one day? I’m not sure. But it was pretty good sex. In fact, for the most part, it was the first real sexual experience I ever had. The sex was so good in fact, that it made me fall in love with him. Or at least what I thought was the feeling of love. Many of my older friends and family tell me that it wasn’t love, it was just infatuation. Is there a difference between love and infatuation? maybe I’m too young to understand that.

But I will say that is right when people say there is nothing like first love. I was obsessed with him. I cried over him, and I felt like he broke my heart at many different times. Today we are great platonic friends and I love and admire him as a friend. I feel like I can trust him and tell him anything. But I often wonder why this didn’t turn into a relationship. Why couldn’t I love and admire him as a partner? I don’t know the answer right now but maybe when I’m thirty I’ll understand a little more.