As you are about to turn four I can see you struggling for independence and struggling to stay that baby that I remember.

To my sweet boy, on the cusp of your fourth birthday:

I cuddled you to sleep tonight. I felt the weight of the world leave you and your small (tall) body relax. I listened to your breath turn into snores. And I remembered.

I remembered the moment you were born. How I loved you more than anything. I remembered rocking you to sleep each night and feeling the same release from your body then as I did tonight. I remembered how you used to snore even as infant laying in your bed beside my bed. I remembered how I refused to sleep for fear you wouldn’t wake up. I remembered that there was a time when your body fit on my chest.

As you are about to turn four I can see you struggling. Struggling for independence and struggling to stay that baby that I remember. Everyone has their trials but sometimes I wonder if yours aren’t beyond your years. I glance over at you now, cuddled up with me and the stuffed animals that HAVE to be in your bed. I see the instruction booklet from a toy clenched in your hand, a booklet you HAD to have in bed with you. And I wonder.

I wonder where your future is taking you. I wonder what you will be when you grow up. I wonder how we will weather this storm that we’re currently in. I wonder about the turmoil I can’t see that exists in your head. I wonder how I can help you.

I sigh. I unwind myself from you. I kiss your head and I whisper — “I am here, I am always here, I will always be here. I love you. ‘’ I stand up, place your mobile exactly where you would want it, cover you exactly the way you like it and I creep out of your room.

I make you this promise — we will get through this storm. We will do it together. Like we do everything. There is no stronger team. When this storm ends we will prepare for the next and the next. Because there will be more. But you have to know, there is nothing you can say or do that will make me love you less than infinitely. There is nothing that will make me leave you. I will always be here. Always.