I have no name these days, I am simply “mommy”

I’m playing a game on Alexa with my son. She asks for player two’s first name. I hesitate for a second and sigh. “Mommy,” I respond. I have no name these days. I am simply “Mommy”.

Some days I’m not even sure I’m a person any more. I’m a scheduler, a diaper changer, a child feeder, a dish doer, a laundry washer (but rarely folder). I am a pet feeder, a floor cleaner, a sippy cup fetcher. I am, occasionally, a wife.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my job, I love my children, and I chose this life. I would chose it again and again. But, I used to be a person a person with friends, with goals bigger than getting to naptime, with a job where I made bigger decisions than to make meatballs or chicken nuggets for lunch. This is the life I chose, but I didn’t know how lonely it would be. I didn’t know how draining it would be for my introverted soul to entertain my kids all day. I didn’t know that my husband would grow to resent me as my choices changed the trajectory of his career. I didn’t know that most of my friends were work friends and I’d never hear from them again.

I also didn’t know how satisfying it would be to watch my son’s artwork progress, to see my daughter stand for the first time, walk for the first time, and talk for the first time. I didn’t know how much I would enjoy teaching my son to crack an egg or pour juice. I didn’t know how good for the soul entire days filled with baby hugs and snuggles could be. I didn’t know how satisfying it would be the first time I got to tell my mom (who had watched my son for 2.5 years) what he meant when he said something unintelligible. Previously she would have to tell me. I didn’t now that on our worst day I would still never even think about going back to work.

There were a lot of things I didn’t know. But, I have always known that this job was what I was born to do.

** This was originally published on my sister’s Medium blog “May I Tell You My Stories”, but the writing is entirely mine.**