Can Men Be Feminists?
Written by Oluwabukunmi Fadeyi
On June 29, 2009, a person called R L F on Urban Dictionary defined a feminist as “a person who believes that men and women are equal (though not necessarily the same), and should be entitled to equal rights, equal treatments and equal opportunities”. In Feminism is for Everybody: Passionate Politics, bell hooks defines feminism as “a movement to end sexism, sexist exploitation, and oppression”.
The above definitions are pretty simple and self-explanatory. They tell us who a feminist is and what feminism means. Considering these definitions, you probably think it’s strange that my topic is asking if men can be feminists, yeah? I mean men are humans who should be able to believe and advocate for equal rights, treatments and opportunities for women, aren’t they? You would expect anyone who reads those definitions to call themselves feminists, not minding their gender!
However, I don’t think it’s that simple. There have been a lot of debates on this issue both in the pro-feminist and anti-feminist circles. Does slapping on the “feminist” tag automatically cleanse a man of internalised misogyny? Does it take away their ability to harass and abuse women? Should they get seats at tables where the lived experiences of women are discussed?
Before I go further, I’d like to say that this is a purely opinionated piece from my dealings with male feminists and it’s okay if you disagree with it. I, Oluwabukunmi Fadeyi, do not believe that men can be feminists. I am not in any way being mean to men or saying that feminism does not need the support of men, because it does.
We need all hands on deck to achieve gender equality, including male hands. However, I feel laying claim to that tag in the only movement that centers women and girls is a bit intrusive. Men can be pro-feminist, feminist allies, anti-sexism but men calling themselves feminists makes me quite uncomfortable. Let me tell you why.
From my experience, men who self identify as feminists believe that they deserve a cookie and it absolves them of scrutiny or checks on their internalized misogyny and sexism. They are like self-acclaimed nice guys who believe they deserve the love and attention of all women, just for being decent human beings. They act like they are above criticism or mistrust because “they are not like other guys”.
I once confronted a male feminist about a sexist statement he made. He looked at me aghast, as though I had accused him of murder. Then he asked who I was to accuse him of that since he has identified as a feminist longer than I have. I was stunned.
They think they’re one of the “girls” and cannot be misogynistic. They forget that our society is deeply misogynistic and sexist, and it takes time to unlearn the misogynistic teachings and beliefs we were brought up with, even as a woman.
Male feminists are still men who enjoy male privileges in our patriarchal society. So as much as they see and understand the inequalities, injustice and discrimination women endure, they cannot experience these things. Therefore, they cannot feel the passion to obliterate gender inequalities and sexism as much as women do.
Last year, I went to two protests against rape. Some women organized the first one, and you could feel the anger in the air from the words they chanted and those written on the placards. They didn’t care how it made onlookers feel, they just wanted an end to the rape epidemic. They communicated it as loudly and angrily as they could. A male feminist organized the second one. I remember that one of the ladies at the venue wanted to write “keep your penis away from women who didn’t give you consent” or something like that. He stopped her, because it sounded too angry and “inflammatory”.
There is also the prevalent male urge to center themselves in feminist discussions. They develop a savior complex that makes it impossible for them to decenter themselves. They talk over women, their lived experiences and mansplain feminism to women.
In 2020, a male feminist made an e-flyer where he put his picture, his name and called himself the “king of feminism, breaker of chains, destroyer of toxic masculinity, protector of house womanhood…enforcer of equality”.
Imagine a man making a movement that is about tearing down the perceived notion of male superiority, about himself. He didn’t stop there, he crowned himself the “king of feminism”. He also told feminist women how to be women and feminists. When they called him out and rejected his kingship, he became upset. Not only did he start spewing misogynistic rhetorics, he also started calling feminists, witches during arguments.
By the way, he’s not the only one. The feminism of some male feminists is for virtue signaling and only skin deep. They act like they are doing us a favor, and should get a high seat at the feminist table. So when that doesn’t happen, they become full-blown misogynists, patriarchs, and egalitarians. I recently discovered that the owner of an account that is only known for content that bashes and demeans women on Twitter NG was a male feminist in 2017. Well, color me surprised!
Over time, we have seen men who have used this tag to win the trust of women and turned around to abuse them in unimaginable ways. Melissa A. Fabello’s opening line in this blog post comes to mind. It says, “Never is a man so potentially dangerous to a female-read person as when he claims to be a feminist.” As a feminist woman, I’m usually warier of male feminists than I am of actual misogynists.
At least I know how to deal with misogynistic men because they do not bother to hide how they truly feel about me and other women. It’s not the same for male feminists, because they are so deft at hiding their misogyny that you may never see it, except you look closely. Some will even gaslight you so well that if you confront them for doing or saying something sexist, you would begin to doubt yourself and your feminist beliefs. If I begin to recount my various experiences with male feminists, I’ll write this piece from now till the end of the year.
Will my assertion that men cannot be feminists discourage men who are passionate about achieving gender equality from continuing their advocacy? I hope not. Your actions should be what is important to you, not the label. If indeed you are all about ending gender inequality, why should the statement of one feminist who lives in Ibadan deter you from continuing it?
Just make sure you’re not doing it because you want a cookie and don’t center yourself, or talk over women and their lived experiences.
Start having honest conversations about how you benefit from the patriarchy, instead of denying the existence of your male privileges or saying weird things like “I don’t see gender”. Hold yourself and other men accountable. Educate them about harassment, abuse, rape, domestic violence, etc., because men always seem to listen to other men better.
Those are actual ways you can help the feminist movement, instead of announcing that you are a feminist a thousand times every day, putting it in your Twitter bio or wearing a shirt that says “This is what a feminist looks like”.
Connect with Oluwabukunmi on Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter.
Edited by Chizulu E. Uwolloh
Zulu, named after Zulu Shofola, is a writer, avid movie watcher, and self-proclaimed bibliophile. She is proud to call herself a feminist and when she’s not editing for Sisterly HQ and watching travel vlogs on YouTube, she’s trying to save the world in her own little way. Connect with Zulu on Instagram and LinkedIn
Published by Akinsipe Temitope
Temitope is a young storyteller who thinks all stories are worth telling. She loves to inspire people to do what they love and follow their passions, tell their stories, and live in the present moment. Connect with Temitope on Instagram, and Twitter.
