Can Women Really Have It All?
Written by Oluwabukunmi Fadeyi
It’s 2022 and all you need to do is open Instagram and an ad targeted at women is in your face telling you how you can have it all, just because they want you to buy a pink water bottle with a motivational quote slapped on it. Life coaches and relationship experts are all up in your faces and ears, telling you how to create killer pitch decks to land the biggest clients, build a godly home with an ever-smiling husband and well-behaved kids that you prepare lunch for every day while wearing an unwavering smile and heels that your toes would probably curse you for squeezing them into.
Oh, and every day, you’re bombarded with advertisements, pictures and videos of celebrity marriages and families on Instagram, WhatsApp, Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat and even TikTok. You would see the woman killing it at an office presentation, rubbing shoulders with huge clients and somehow, still making it home in time to prepare dinner for her family, tuck her kids in bed and have mind-blowing sex with her husband.
It’s like everywhere you turn, everyone is showing you the kind of life you should aspire to and screaming in your face that you have no excuses as a woman — you can and should “have it all”.
If I got a dollar for every time someone said to me “you can have it all”, I would probably be as rich as Folorunso Alakija. Okay, maybe not as rich but certainly on a path to being as rich as she is. “Having it all” simply means having a thriving career and a home with a husband and kids, without one aspect of your life suffering for the other. It is the act of maintaing a work-home balance.
I looked up the origin of the saying and traced it to an advert from years ago created to sell a lifestyle to middle-class people. It was not specifically aimed at women. Then in 1982, Helen Gurley Brown authored Having It All: Love, Success, Sex, and Money…Even If You’re Starting With Nothing. She had been an editor at Cosmopolitan US for about 20 years, and attempted to share her secrets to success with single women in the workforce with the book. It became a bestseller, ushering the saying into mainstream America.
I think I know why the book was such a hit. Although women, especially women of color have always worked, most of their jobs were domestic, so they were mostly unpaid or underpaid and considered unimportant. So seeing a woman author a book with that title, coupled with the book cover (a picture of Helen Gurley Brown looking successful, yet family-oriented in her cute and cozy office), must have been a mental boost for other women.
It was reassurance and empowerment for working women of that time. It was quickly spun into a phrase to mean women could have a remarkable career, a wonderful marriage with a happy husband and kids and a good social life.
When Ms. Brown wrote the book, she was neither married, nor did she have kids. So I wonder how her book was used to represent that “perfect life” for women, but I’m guessing it worked out well for all involved then. I mean women pushed themselves pretty hard during those years and I think they found a way to make it work, even if a lot of them were stretched thin. So yay!
It’s been 40 years since the publication of that book and many things have changed, including the economy, raising children and working conditions, but the saying is still pretty mainstream. While I understand that it was an empowering phrase for women in those days, it has become a tool of pressure today.
Many women are constantly struggling with society’s idea of having it all — the perfect career, relationship/marriage, lifestyle, e.t.c. It’s so bad that some of them have adopted the “fake it till you make it” approach. They pretend to be self-sufficient and to have it all figured out while they really have no clue, are drowning in so many responsibilities and in dire need of help or 20 minutes to sit and just BE.
If you are a woman trying to have it all according to society’s dictates of what “having it all” should be, you would probably end up burnt out, constantly on edge, and miserable. And the sad part is you won’t still have it all. It is nearly impossible to have it all at the same time because one aspect of life will need and get more attention than the other.
Even men are not expected to have it all because it is widely accepted to be a man and know next to nothing about your children, as long as you’re successful in your career. Even if he’s not successful, not many people would raise an eyebrow if a father does not know his child’s birth date. So why so much pressure on women to “have it all”?
Quite honestly, having it all would mean different things to different people if you take away the widespread meaning attached to it. It could mean having a career, having a family, a blend of both, travelling the world, being a business mogul, helping the less privileged, e.t.c. So I think each woman should have a sit-down with herself and outline what having it all truly means to her, then go for it and shut out all the noise saying otherwise. It would reduce unnecessary pressure and competition that can lead to misery.
Conclusively, it’s a yes from me. I think women can have it all as long as the “all” is what they genuinely want and it aligns with their chosen path in life.
Connect with Oluwabukunmi on Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter.
Edited by Chizulu E. Uwolloh
Zulu, named after Zulu Shofola, is a writer, avid movie watcher, and self-proclaimed bibliophile. She is proud to call herself a feminist and when she’s not editing for Sisterly HQ and watching travel vlogs on YouTube, she’s trying to save the world in her own little way. Connect with Zulu on Instagram and LinkedIn.
Published by Akinsipe Temitope
Temitope is a young storyteller who thinks all stories are worth telling. She loves to inspire people to do what they love and follow their passions, tell their stories, and live in the present moment. Connect with Temitope on Instagram, and Twitter.
