How To Not Be A Volunteer
Written by Okorodudu Ope
As we mature into adulthood, we discover that maintaining relationships becomes more of a struggle. We find ourselves separated from our loved ones due to distance or differing lifestyles while trying our best to keep in touch through calls, and texts. We take several measures to ensure we don’t lose the connection we have created over time with the people we hold dear. We constantly battle to “be there” for each other and whatnot, and it can be so exhausting. It takes energy, as well as time, and effort to maintain relationships, yet we find ourselves doing the most despite the constraints to remain a continuous presence in the lives of our loved ones.
Recently, while in conversation with friends, it occurred to me that one of the most difficult relationships to maintain is the relationship with family, both close and extended. If this is the relationship with family, people you’re supposedly close to, people who should understand and love you unconditionally, then why is it so hard to maintain? We debated on this question for a while and came to the conclusion that the difficulty stems from “entitlement”.
“What does entitlement have to do with this?” you might ask. Well, it’s simple, in most cases “family” feels entitled to your respect, love, care and affection by virtue of being your family. And that might be true in some context but in reality, it makes it that much harder to keep up with family who you only feel duty towards and not actual kinship born from mutual care as well as understanding. I am of the opinion that family just like everyone else should make effort to actively be in our lives and not just cling to the title “family”.
While I thought about this, it reminded me of the legal maxim “equity will not assist a volunteer”. This came to mind because, in this context, a volunteer is someone who has not given consideration, this is, something of value. Now, I’m certainly not here to teach you about maxims but to point out how this can be used to understand why family relationships suffer as time passes. For the purpose of this discussion, I will be examining the sibling relationship.
Growing up, a good number of us weren’t actively taught to like our siblings for who they actually were (their actual personalities, for example) but rather because they were “our family”. Just like we weren’t taught to be respectful to our elders because they conducted themselves in a manner that deserved respect but rather because they are “elders.” In the same vein, we weren’t taught to love family for any reason other than because they were just that. We mostly grew up hearing phrases like “stop fighting, she’s your sister and you should love each other”, while not actually being taught how to do that, just being told that it should be done. So when we grow up to realize that our siblings are actually really shitty people or ridiculous characters who literally work to drain out all the happiness we have accumulated, we have to stick by them simply because “they are family, and you HAVE to love family”. Now, I am by no means saying that you shouldn’t love family. What I’m saying is that a person being family is not enough reason to care for and love a person. Think about it, if this was a regular person, you will certainly distance yourself. So this will eventually happen when love is not cultivated but forced under the guise of ‘family’.
Realistically speaking, you are more likely to love or feel close to a sibling due to the things they have done for you or the value they have added to your life, rather than for being blood relatives. This could be as simple as sticking up for you when no one else would or making the effort to call and check on you even though they were busy. Actions like this can be said to be furnishing consideration, that is, giving value. Frankly, this is how we form bonds with people who feel like family even when they are not, so why should it be different with family?
Some of us get lucky. Without much effort, we grow to understand and love our families and depend or seek comfort from them. But this is never simply because they are family but because they in some way, big or small, have contributed positively to our lives or our growth as people. We have grown to see them as more than just family but as friends, supporters, comforters, and hopefully, safe-havens. It probably might sound selfish or self-centred but it’s the truth. It’s easier to love someone who has been helpful to us in some way or the other. I certainly know this is the same for me.
In conclusion, it is easy to say that you are family but not as easy to act like one. The need to furnish consideration or show value can be applied to any relationship. It is essential to be authentic and helpful with the people we love. Feeling entitled to someone’s love, care, and affection by virtue of being blood relatives or being connected by family relation does not guarantee that you will get it. You just might end up pushing this person away. Life is dynamic and constantly changing. Things aren’t as they used to be. People are really going through it and now, a little goes a long way. Try your best to be there for your family and friends by supporting and showing actual care in any way you can. Do not be a volunteer. Stop feeling entitled, and add value to your family today. You’re welcome.
Okorodudu Ope is a final year student of the University of Lagos as well as a content creator. She is enthusiastic about writing and loves to share her thoughts on her many interests. Connect with Ope on Instagram, Twitter and YouTube.
Edited by Titilope Adedokun
Titilope Adedokun is the Founder of Sisterly HQ, and a graduate of Law from the University of Lagos, Nigeria. She is passionate about telling authentic stories of women and connecting them with much-needed resources and opportunities. Connect with Titilope on LinkedIn.
