Synopses From An Imaginary Sitcom Based Loosely on My Life
I have always been obsessed with sitcoms. I used to pretend in my head that I was either Chandler from Friends or Randy from Home Improvement. This habit helped me make it through elementary school with less boredom and a lower level of what many would call “useful knowledge” accruement than many of my classmates. But it did foster my ability to speak for myself, which I value more highly than knowing the name of each POTUS and the order in which they held the rank, because, well, Google.
Eventually, I began envisioning my own life as a sitcom. And I never really stopped. I perpetually take events from my life and imagine them as if they were on television. For me, life becomes more interesting if you’re able to imagine that other people are watching the way you behave and the way in which your life unfolds.
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My sitcom, like most, would include a group of core characters who are all friendly but dissimilar, so that the audience can pick and choose their favorite(s), and then argue with one another about the merits of their chosen front-runner. They would often be referred to as The Gang, natch.
The original core crew would include:
Scott: The main character who is very much like me in just about every single way.
Jeff: Scott’s peculiar childhood best friend / current roommate who has a really good heart and is usually unintentionally getting himself into strange situations.
Beth: Scott’s best friend who is also a love interest. You will likely spend the entire series rooting for these two to get together, wondering if the writing staff will come up with a new spin on the will-they-won’t-they motif that is somehow different than the thousands of other iterations found in books, movies, and TV shows.
Rory: Beth’s roommate and college friend of Beth, Scott, and Ben. The most pragmatic of the group.
Ben: Scott’s friend from college who works a lucrative job and gets to have sex with more women and with a much higher frequency than seems rational, given his average looks and generally sleazy demeanor. Also, he is wealthy despite the fact you never really see him working and he never describes what he actually does for a living.
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Here are a few synopses of episode ideas I’ve come up with for a sitcom that is loosely based upon my own life:
Tuff Mudder Faker
To impress a girl, Scott trains for months for a Tuff Mudder race. But when he gets lost on the way to the race destination, he is too embarrassed to tell the girl. Instead, The Gang stages a fake muddy race where they take pictures to post on the Internet.
Homecoming
The gang makes a trip to Scott and Ben’s college town for the homecoming football game. They quickly realize they no longer have the partying prowess they valued so highly during their school days, and convince themselves that it’s actually cool to hang out in the hotel room, eating ice cream and watching episodes of Twin Peaks on a Roku player that Jeff brings from home “just in case.”
The Fantasy Draft
Tensions are high when the gang conducts its annual football draft at the bar they frequent. Jeff becomes completely enraptured with a new waitress, and pursues her despite the fact she has an ass that is very large and comically disproportionate to the rest of her body. Turns out the woman is Reggie the bartender’s sister, and Reggie is not at all OK with Jeff taking a run at her.
DTR
Scott begins to come undone when a woman he is dating refuses to define their relationship. Ben coaches him on different ways to act toward her to uncover clues re: where she believes they’re at in their courtship, and where she thinks it might be going. Scott is surprised and confused to find that the less he acts like he likes her, the more she seems to like him.
No Touching
After Scott drunkenly holds hands with a stranger at the bar for half the night, the gang reinstates an old tradition: when a friend is holding hands with someone they are not officially dating, other members of the gang are allowed to slap him or her in the face without warning. A whole lot of slapping ensues.
The Mainland
Scott’s friend Ferg comes from his home in the Bahamas to vist The Gang in New York. While he’s “on the mainland,” his only goal is to bed as many women as possible — regardless of looks and/or fees. He enlists Scott, Ben, and Jeff as his wingmen.
This is Our House and We Have to Protect It
Scott and Jeff come home to their Bushwick apartment building entrance to a door with no lock — meaning anyone from outside can waltz right in. They immediately become paranoid, barricade the entrances to their apartment, and burglar-proof the place, Home Alone-style.
Pennsylvania I Love You But You’re Bringing Me Down
Scott’s trip home for a friend’s wedding is not as fun as he’d hoped, on account of having to defend himself against his friends vis-a-vis whether he is a hipster or not. They also inform him that he is getting fat. Scott is forced to reevaluate the way he views street meat consumption.
Shape Up, Sweat It Out
Scott decides to get back into shape after his friends from home call him fat and his co-workers rip on him for his unhealthy lifestyle. Matters do not improve, however, when he draws even more criticism for his profuse post-workout sweating problem.
The Intervention
The gang stages an intervention for Scott re: his tendency to personify inanimate objects after a woman ceases contact with him upon entering his bedroom and discovering he still sleeps with stuffed animals that he occasionally speaks to.
Riding Over 30
Ben is jailed after he verbally assaults a police officer in an argument about whether or not it’s justified for cops to speed when not chasing an assailant.
The Shady Dipper
Ben discovers a Facebook group where women post lines he has used to leave their apartment after a rendezvous instead of sleeping there.
No More Porn
The gang is annoyed by Scott’s productivity when he quits watching porn and has inordinate extra time on his hands. Their ire increases when Scott channels his porn-watching time and energy into poetry writing that is lauded within certain circles where poetry is still lauded.
Defriended
When an ex-girlfriend — and her mother — defriend Scott on Facebook, he is upset. And he has to do some serious soul-searching to uncover why he cares. He begins therapy with Beth, who took a few introductory psychology classes during college.
Sharing Is Caring
When Scott gets serious with a woman, he finds he is having trouble getting used to sharing his sleeping space with somebody else, and the woman finds she is having trouble getting used to sharing her sleeping space with stuffed animals.
The Blog
Scott gets in trouble at work when his boss discovers a blog post he wrote bragging about how he calculated the amount of time he spends annually in the restroom during work hours, and how much money he makes doing so. He is especially angry because Scott claimed during his job interview that he was incapable of doing math.
Grower, Not a Show-er
When Scott meets a girl who likes to have sex after they finish jogging together, he has to find ways to come to grips with the penis shrinkage he experiences immediately after a workout.
Nursing School
When Scott tells his nurse sister he’s thinking of giving up his career to study nursing, she invites him to shadow her on a shift at the psyche ward where she works, to see if he can handle her profession.
Stay Off The Pole
When Scott seeks to mix up his workout routine with a pole-dancing class, he meets an ex-girlfriend and rekindles their flame. Beth shows thinly veiled signs of jealousy and decides to take the classes as well.
Have You Seen Molly?
The Gang has to travel to a seedy neighborhood to pick up Rory after she accidentally tries molly and ends up in jail. She was caught stealing a pregnancy test from Target after having a drug-induced vision that she was carrying the immaculately conceived child of Prince.
Too Verbal Communication
After being made fun of for carrying a pocket notebook, Scott begins to use his phone to audibly record his ideas. He quickly alienates people when they hear him speak his strange, twisted thoughts and ideas.
Off The Clock
When the gang’s boss reprimands them for spending too little of the day at the office, they come up with elaborate schemes that will lead their manager to believing they are at work when they are really absent. Boss Man goes incognito at a diner they frequent (called “The Diner”) in an attempt to bust them. Boss Man falls in love with Berta, the middle-aged single mother waitress, and the two of them mess with The Gang’s orders in retaliation for past wrongs done to them.
Magnumfied
While on a weekend trip to a ski lodge with his girlfriend, Scott borrows a condom from one of their housemates and has to deal with many emasculating thoughts when he realizes he has been given a Magnum. Matters take a turn for the worse when, during a game of Never Have I Ever, Scott finds out his girlfriend once drunkenly slept with the man with the giant penis.
Pete The Panhandling Dog
Scott impulsively adopts a dog, is evicted from the apartment, and is surprised at how much money a person can make panhandling if they have a canine in tow.
Real Men Wear Axe
Fed up with the gang making fun of his cucumber melon scent, Scott switches to Axe products and is overwhelmed with the positive attention he receives from women.
Just Kiddin’ Like Jason — Unless Ya Gon’ Do It
When Ben tells the gang he can pick up a woman in any circumstance, they challenge him to get a girl’s number after speaking to her only in Nelly lyrics.
How I Met Your Mom
After nearly three decades of searching, Scott meets the woman who will give birth to his children — the children he has been telling a drawn out story in sitcom form to about how he met this woman.
Super Cool Sergei’s Daughter
Scott tries and fails to set up a date with his air conditioning repairman’s daughter.
Spoiler Alert
Scott misses the series finale of his favorite show, and has to go into social media hiding until he can watch it.
Love You Short Time
Scott unwittingly receives a happy ending at a massage parlor, and struggles with whether or not he should tell his girlfriend, and how to appropriately broach such a subject with her.
A Naked Online Presence
After running into an ex-girlfriend and making a date with her, Scott Googles her and finds she is a working — and famous — porn star.
Deny, Deny, Deny
When Scott plugs up the toilet at work and floods the first floor of the office, he plants incriminating evidence on and around co-workers to deflect suspicion.
The Titty Committee
Beth’s dreams of a free breast enhancement are about to become a reality…if she allows her boyfriend’s plastic surgeon father to do the procedure. The Gang gets together to make a Pros and Cons list to help her decide.
The Lists
When The Gang decides to make lists of their past sexual partners, many startling revelations come to light — including many formerly unknown Eskimo Siblinghoods.
Boners On A Plane
Scott is put into an uncomfortable situation when he wakes up from a nap with an erection on an airplane. The woman sitting next to him is appalled, and becomes further upset when Scott calls her ma’am, on account of her opinion that she is too young to be called that.
Stop Clam Jamming, Bro
Scott is ashamed to find out he has been unintentionally “Clam Jamming” (the female version of Cock Blocking) his girl friends, and attempts to make amends by getting them all laid.
