10 Things to Sign in a Son of a Bitch’s Yearbook

If someone you don’t like very much asks you to sign their yearbook, you should do it. It’s a great chance to be a sarcastic fart nugget. For example, if Billy, the all-star quarterback had asked me to sign his, here are ten things I might have written:

#01: Hit ’em with reality by writing something like, “Welp, it’s all downhill from here. But not for me, because I’m still a virgin. I at least have that hill to climb.”

#02: Almost give a compliment, but turn it into advice. Try something like, “Stay cool (dot dot dot) in the pool.”

#03: Three: Make it sound like you’re excited for them, but really you’re just amazed they passed. Feel free to use this line; “Can you believe it? You’re actually graduating!”

#04: The ultimate son of a bitch move. Just sign your name. It’s the equivalent of drawing a middle finger because it screams, “I have nothing to say to you, but I’ll grace you with my autograph.”

#05: A picture is worth a thousand words, so try spitting in it. Bonus points if bits of pepperoni from the rectangular pizza you had for lunch dislodged from your mouth onto the page.

#06: Sign as if you’re Adolf Hitler. That way if they’re ever accused of being a Nazi, you can yell, “check their yearbook!”

#07: Even if they’re a nice person, they probably did something they’re not proud of. Make them sweat with five simple words, “I know what you did.”

#08: Instead of signing the page, rip it out, crumble it up, shove it into your mouth, and keep eye contact with them the entire time while chewing. If they’re still standing around by the time you swallow it, get them to leave by insinuating you’ll return it once it escapes your large intestines.

#09: Draw a dog. But if that dog happens to look like a penis, oh well, you tried.

#10: Take up as much real estate as you can. Since you don’t really know them, fill up a whole page with fake memories. For example, I’d probably write something like this:

Do you remember the fun we had when you poisoned me? Sorry, that’s a line from that one Vincent Price movie, House on the Haunted Hill. Speaking of, remember when we went up to that abandoned house? You were crying a river because you stepped on a little ol’ rusty nail…or was it a needle. Now that I think about it, it was probably a needle because that’s where everyone likes to go and do drugs and sometimes live when they do too many drugs. I told you that someday you’d live there, and you cried more which was annoying, but since I’m caring, I handed you a tissue to wipe your tears. Because you’re selfish you said, “I think this is someone’s dirty underwear.” Regardless, I had a great time. We should do it again sometime if you don’t have any friends in the future. I’ll have lots of friends, but I’ll still make time for you.

This story can be found on Episode 02 of the Skit Your Shorts comedy podcast and/or the moving picture show version.