80s Action Hero Man

Dear toy manufacturer,

Kids these days don’t know diddly about heroes. I think we should educate them, so when they grow up and get in a knife fight, they’ll know exactly what to do.

I’m proposing we create an 80s action-hero figure. Just a generic one will do to avoid any legal issues. And before you start stressing out about making a commercial tubular enough to melt children’s faces, below you’ll find a script already written for you. I created it myself.

The script reads as follows:

(Insert music so rad your ears bleed due to the earwax forming a mosh pit inside your skull)

80s Action Hero Man,
He’s breaking shit as fast as he can.
Elbow drop you with his knees,
He never farts or even sneeze.
If there’s a window near it will smash,
He’ll throw you out of it like you’re trash.
And the bar will have to pay the fees,
Cause they don’t have insurance, oh geez.
Now the business has to close,
Since all the customers have a broken nose.
Some will take the owner to court,
The others will try to extort.
All because of…80s Action Hero Maaaaaan!

(Super radass music continues to play)

He’s a cop who doesn’t adhere to laws,
The chief is always busting his balls.
But he’s determined to get the job done,
Chasing down villains on the run.
Who cares if he wrecks a car,
Or burns down a building with a cigar.
So what he blew up an entire street,
He caught the baddies so isn’t that neat.
Sure the death toll was pretty high,
But at least the bad guy will fry.
The villain only killed one or two,
But catching him killed thousands, oh poo.
All because of…80s Action Hero Maaaaaan!

(The music rad’ns to the extreme)

Thirty years have since passed,
Rent is due and the bills have amassed.
Nobody will hire an old action star,
So he spends his day drinking at the bar.
But not the same one he wrecked years ago,
It’s an Applebees where the drinks still flow.
The crowd is lame so he goes to the store,
To pick up his meds because his hips are sore.
As he walks in he catches someone trying to steal,
He yells at them and says, “enjoy your last meal.”
Then he tosses a grenade at the feet of the thief,
The entire store explodes, leaving hundreds in grief.
All because of…80s Action Hero Maaaaaan!

This story can be found on Episode 04 of the Skit Your Shorts comedy podcast and/or the moving picture show version.