Smelter Dealter

Louise spreads the cheese on the cracker. It’s a good spread too…like one of those perfect Olympic dives where all judges give a 10 except for that one asshole. That son of a bitch gives a 9.8. I’d like to see that judge cut through the water like a knife. Like a knife spreading cheese on a cracker.

She takes a bite. It’s not bad. She should have spent the extra dollar and bought the cheese with the better-designed package. Not that a better design always means better quality, but you won’t find Louise holding a box of value brand bullshit. Louise makes a decent living and Louise buys what Louise wants.

Using her Olympic diving knife, she cuts the cheese once more. She giggles at the saying, “cut the cheese,” because she has a good sense of humor. The laughter causes Louise to lose focus. The slice of cheese meant for the next Ritz cracker falls straight to the ground in slow motion. At least, that’s how she watched it fall. Decent living or not, wasting food is not Louise’s style.

Trying to adhere to the 5-second rule, she reaches for the cheese. “Past 5 seconds and that sucker is full of bacteria,” Louise mutters. That’d be true if she had cleaned her floor every once and a damn while. The bacteria was quickly engulfing this not cheap but not expensive cheese.

She decides to cut her losses and calls her dog, Barkthawluhmew the Fifth, over to eat it but it was too late. The bacteria mixed with the overly processed cheese was chemically reacting, or whatever a scientist would call it when two things mix and do crazy shit.

The cheese was growing at an alarming rate. Normally, Louise would think, “great. Free cheese!” But this monstrosity was forming arms and legs. Within minutes it had copied the exact shape and form of her, who self-admittedly didn’t take the best care of her body, but for a contaminated piece of cheese, it wasn’t the worst bod to have.

The dog was being a dog and barking non-stop as if Louise didn’t notice what was happening. Barkthawluhmew wanted to bite the stranger randomly appearing in the house, but it looked too much like his owner, so the confusion held him back.

As for the real Louise, she held out her knife, threatening the cheesy clone to stay back. Louise, the cheese version, looked at the knife with remnants of her cheesy relatives on it and says, “what are you going to do? Cut the cheese?” Human Louise leaps back, shocked by the fact it can speak. But once the cheesy abomination held her nose and started wafting the air, she realized that she and the cheese were no different. They both let out a hearty chuckle because farts are indeed funny. Barkthawluhmew even ceased to bark so he could join in on the chuckling session. After a hearty laugh, they all sat down to eat cheese together, which the clone at first thought was insensitive to her feelings, but came to understand that it’s their way of saying, you’re one of us now, Cheese Louise.

This story can be found on Episode 02 of the Skit Your Shorts comedy podcast and/or the moving picture show version.