Air Stud: A Dog Wishes for No Catfishes

“My hotcakes are selling like hotcakes,” exclaims Sally.

“Good for you. My molasses is selling as slow as molasses,” replies Donna.

“Sounds like you’re in quite the pickle, Donna,” said John the pickle maker.

“Nobody move, this is a stick up,” yelled the robber who sounded like he had a stick up his ass.

“What’s your dill?” Asks John as he points a pickle at the robber as if it were a gun.

“Ha ha, I get it…because it’s a dill pickle. That’s a good one. I came in here to steal your money, but with that joke you stole my heart. Will you marry me,” the robber weeps as he gets down on one knee, holding out an onion ring he kept in his shirt pocket in case he needed a snack while running from the cops.

John drops his pickle as tears form in his eye. Probably both eyes, but only one eye is visible because he wears a pirate patch. Not that anything is wrong with his other eye, he just loves Pirates of the Caribbean. “Nobody has ever laughed at my pickle jokes before. My answer is yes, you son of a bitch, yes.”

“Aaaand cut. That’s a wrap for today.” The director shouts half-assedly. He signed up to do a sequel to the film, Inception, but nobody mentioned it was going to be a rom-com called, Wedding Inception.

“It’s fine, everything’s fine,” he begins to think, “I’ll use the money Netflix paid me to make this cinematic turd to create my masterpiece; a sequel to the Air Bud films called, *Air Stud*. It will be the number one raunchy teen comedy with no actors, only dogs.”

The director heads to his trailer and sits down at his typewriter to outline his film.

The film opens with McRuffin going to the bank to get a bone loan.

“I need some bones to fund my startup,” he barks.

“You have excellent credit, good sir. I shall give you that loan,” declares the bark teller at Bark Till You Bank.

They shake paws and McRuffin leaves carrying a bag of bones, so he can find a bitchin’ office to start up his startup. His idea is to create a dating app for dogs called, Tail Finder. He came up with the idea after using the search engine, Poogle one lonely night. He searched, “hot dogs in the area,” yet all he received was restaurant recommendations.

The app is a success. His tail wags so fast out of joy he begins to fly. It’s super cool. He ends up landing at Doggo University directly in the middle of a sorority party and everyone’s like, “sup, you look important, wanna pawty?” Which sounds like they mean go potty, but it’s a party pun because they’re dogs…it will make sense on film.

McRuffin looks around at all the baberinos (his words, not mine) and says, “howl yeah!”

The party is a total rager. Rawhide is being passed around everywhere, and butts are being sniffed for days. A dog comes up to talk to McRuffin, but he brushes her off because he thinks she’s a nerd. Besides, he has a total smokeshow (also his words) that he’s been chatting with on the app he created. The nerdy dog walks away sad, and McRuffin continues being rad.

Months go by and McRuffin is eager to meet the beautiful dog he’s been texting on his app. They have never met because she is too shy to meet up in person…I mean, to meet up in dog, and her camera doesn’t work so they can’t vid chat.

Finally, he puts his paw down and says, “meet me or I’m going to have to let you go.”

She agrees. They plan to meet up at the local dinosaur-themed dog park called, Jurassic Bark. But to his surprise, the nerdy dog walks up to him.

He growls, hoping she’ll leave.

“It’s me. I’m the girl you’ve been talking to.”

“No way, the girl I was talking to was a fox, but not literally…she’s a foxy dog.”

She replies by taking off her glasses and letting her hair down. McRuffin’s eyes nearly pop out of his head. It was her the whole time, but for some reason Hollywood says glasses can’t be hot, which is bullshit, but them’s the rules.

“Thanks for revealing your true self,” she says. “A shallow mutthead. I’m going to leave.”

“Wait,” he woofs,” I was only angry because I thought you catfished me. I fell in love with your words, not your looks.”

“I forgive you. And I would never have catfished you.”

“Yeah, you would have, DOGfished me!”

They laugh all the way to the chapel where they get married.

The end.

This story can be found on Episode 04 of the Skit Your Shorts comedy podcast and/or the moving picture show version.