Do You Believe In Wi-Fi After Death?

Is there an interior designer that only works on waiting rooms? If so, I bet they have a nice waiting room in their office, unlike the piece of caca I’m standing in now. There are no chairs, no daytime soap operas playing, no magazines that I would never read in my life unless I was bored out of my gourd, not even carpet with a hideous pattern on it which is most likely made that way so they have to vacuum less often, because who’s to say whether it’s the carpet or someone threw up a mixture of pizza rolls and Monster energy drinks.

This waiting room looks more like two thousand and one, A Space Odyssey where everything is white. At least that guy had Howl to talk to. Perhaps there’s someone or something watching me right now, and all I have to do is say hello. But if they’ve been watching me, it’s way too late for a casual howdy. Maybe they’re waiting to see how long it takes for me to go crazy. I’ll show them it takes more than that to break me by yelling “I’m having a great time in here, finally a place to achieve my dream of screeching like a pterodactyl for 12 hours straight to see if I can summon any dinosaurs.” I begin to screech but am stopped moments later. I hear a voice.

“Please don’t do that, Carl. Look, I’m sure you’re confused, so if it will prevent you from making that noise, I will answer 10 questions, so choose wisely. I can even tell you the meaning of life.”

”You mean like the magazine or the board game?” Carl asks.

“Neither, and you have nine questions left.”

“You slimy snake in the grass! You got me! Alright alright alright, how did I end up here?”

“You died. Eight questions left.”

“Oh snap! How’d I die?”

“You opened up a box full of sex toys and candy, which you happened to choke on. Seven questions remain.”

“The sex toys, or the candy?”

“The candy. Six more questions.”

“Whew, that’s a relief. Okay so, am I a ghost?”

“If by ‘a ghost’ you mean ‘in purgatory’, then yes. You have five left.”

“Oh dope! Am I like Patrick Swayze ghost, or like Pac-Man ghost?”

“I don’t know how to answer that, but I’m still counting it since it was such a stupid question. That leaves you with 4 more.”

“Fair enough. Can ghosts use the internet?”

“No. And three left.”

“That’s lame. Can I use the internet in heaven or hell?”

“Both. You’re down to two.”

“Woah. Gotta be smart about this. Okay, does the internet in heaven and hell have any restrictions to let’s just say, content not suitable for younger audiences?”

The disembodied voice lets out a defeated sigh, “I knew we’d end up here. After the meaning of life, this is the second most asked inquiry. And to answer your question, you can watch porn in hell but not in heaven.”

“Ha! As if that’s what I was wondering,” Carl chuckles, “but like, can I go to hell?”

“And that would be the third most popular question. But yep, down you go, you pervert.”

This story can be found on Episode 02 of the Skit Your Shorts comedy podcast and/or the moving picture show version.