Dracula’s Interview With a Realtor
Dracula picks up his phone and dials the number of a local realtor. The phone rings and is answered shortly after by a vibrant young woman named, Connie.
“Hello, this is Connie.”
“Hello, Bob. Are you a realtor in Transylvania?” Dracula asks.
“Why yes I am, and my name’s Connie.”
“That’s great, Cornie.”
“It’s Connie.”
“Why are we talking about Con Air? I mean Nicholas Cage killed it in that movie, but that’s not what I want to discuss right now.”
“Okay, what can I do for you? And I’m sorry I didn’t get your name.”
“Dracula, but you can call me, Batman.”
“Batman?”
“Don’t question it, I was a bat before he was even in Bat Diapers.”
“Alright, noted. How can I help?”
“I’m looking to sell my castle and move into a more quaint, neighborhood.”
“That sounds great. So what is it you’re looking for in a new home?”
“Well, my castle up on top of this hill draws too much attention with the fog and the constant lightning in the background. So I thought I could blend in with dinner a little easier if I lived among them.”
“I’m sorry, dinner?”
“Please forgive my accent. I meant sinners.”
“Ahhhh okay, so you don’t want to live next to a church, am I getting that right?”
“Yes, that’d be great.”
“And what are you looking for in a new home?”
“A room with no view would be nice.”
“No view? So like, no windows?”
“That is correct. Preferably underground.”
“So you mean a basement?”
“If that’s what they are calling dungeons these days.”
“Okay, I’m sure we can find that. How many square feet are we talking?”
“My humble abode now is about 15,000 square feet, but since I’m looking to mingle amongst the meat bags, I’m willing to downsize to 14,000.”
“Hmmm, that’s going to be difficult. How about 1,400?”
“Yes, that is fine. As long as it has a pool.”
“Oh, okay. We can look for a pool.”
“Preferably empty so I can fill it with blood. And do homes come with coffins now are do you have to bring your own?”
“Sir, I’m not sure I feel comfortable…”
“Don’t worry! I’m just into some of that kinky bondage stuff, ya know?”
“Well, to each his own I guess. For a second there I thought you were a vampire.”
“Ha ha ha, you silly goose! So what are interest rates looking like nowadays?”
“It depends, but in general it’s about 7 percent.”
“Holy fuck, Donnie! And you thought I was the bloodsucker! How long do you think it will take for the rates to lower?”
“That’s up the Feds. Could be soon or it could be 100 years from now.”
“100 years?! Where exactly are you located?”
“My office is right next to Olive Garden.”
“Ehhh, I can smell the garlic from here. Okay, stay there.”
“Are you headed over now? It’s late and I was going to head home soon.”
“Hello, it is me, Batman.”
“How did you get over here so quick?”
“I flew over here in my bat form…kidding! Ever heard of cell phones?! I just happened to be driving by!”
“Oh, okay. I guess I can hang up now. Wait, what are you doing?! Stop!”
“Collaborate and listen. That Frozen Vanilla sure knows how to make a hit.”
“You bit me, you freak!”
“Wow, way to say, ‘geez, thanks Batman for giving me eternal life so I can be your realtor forever.’ Anyways, you have my number, give me a call when you hear something. Bye, Felicia.”
This story can be found on Episode 05 of the Skit Your Shorts comedy podcast.
