It’s My Monster Mash, and I’ll Die If I Want To

Boy howdy, am I giddy with joy. I was finally invited to a real live monster mash. I bet it will be a graveyard smash. Most people would be scared sheetless. That’s a joke for ghosts…they think it’s funny when people ruin nice bedsheets by cutting holes in them. I do too, which is probably why they wanted me to come hang with them. I bet if I said that line with a noose around my neck, I’d be the life of the party.

I arrive at the party a bit confused. I was expecting a giant castle or something, but who knows, maybe Dracula decided to downgrade to a really cheap apartment. What a silly thought that is. I assume it was Dracula who invited me, but it could have been any of the monsters…I hope it wasn’t Mrs. Frankenstein, 'cause golly gee would ol’ Frankie be mad!

I open the door and right away notice a smell. I shrug it off thinking, “Most of the guests here have been sleeping underground all year.” Not that I have anything against zombies, but they’re not exactly the best conversationalists.

The room is packed so I shimmy through the crowd of the undead. I bump into one of them causing them to spill their drink. I expected him to try to eat my brains, but he didn’t even seem to notice so I carried on looking for some of my old favs that I wouldn’t mind doing a keg stand with.

I checked the restroom to see if the Creature from the Black Lagoon was chilling in the tub, but he wasn’t there. Back in the living room I noticed an empty corner so I made my way there. “I found you Invisible Man! Put some clothes on would ya,” I joked. He did not respond. Come to think about it, none of these zombies are wearing much clothes either. I feel overdressed, but I’m sure the Mummy will come barreling in anytime now and show us all up with his attire!

In the meantime, I’ll search for some spirits. I head towards the kitchen where they’d probably be possessing a toaster or the fridge. I open the fridge expecting a good scare and garsh did they deliver; there was a human head in there! “Good one, you silly spirits,” I chuckled. Speaking of spirits, I wonder what kind of drinks they have here?

The drink table was lackluster, to say the least. Nothing but a bunch of PBRs and a weird white powder next to it. I assume it’s cocaine. I betcha that ol’ goof, Wolf Man brought it cause he likes to raise the woof!

I reach for a Pabst, when suddenly I hear a soft, Midwestern voice, “hey, you like to party?”

“Hell yeah I like to party, that’s why I’m here,” I reply.

“Nice. Let me mix you up a drink. You like whiskey and Coke?”

“I sure do. So is ol’ Drac and the gang here or did I show up early?”

“Oh, I dunno about them, but I have Exorcist 3 on VHS. Anyways, here’s your drink.”

“Hey, thanks! By the way, I didn’t get your name.”

“Take a sip and I’ll tell ya.”

“Ha, drinking games, alright! Slurrrp.”

“I’m Jeff. Jeff Dahmer.”

Next thing I know I’m feeling woozy and suddenly pass out. It wouldn’t be the first time I passed out at a party. Oh yeah, I’m also dead now.

The only reason you can hear this story is because either I’m a ghost or we’re all dead, but still living in some sort of weird Matrix world where Keanu Reeves stars in more video games than he does movies.

I don’t know…but what I do know is that it’s cool to be a monster if you’re a beast or a lab creation, but pretty lame if you’re human. So if you fall in the human category, don’t be a jerk…it makes for pretty shitty parties.

This story can be found on Episode 05 of the Skit Your Shorts comedy podcast.