So Your Cat Joined a Biker Gang. Now What?
Let me guess; it started with a little catnip here and there, and the next thing you know, your cat is the leader of the toughest biker gang in town, The Gritty Kitties. Though it’s merely a coincidence that the gang’s name involves cats, it was not, however, up to chance that your cat, Pawfessor Jelly Beans, decided to pack their things and leave. Which leads us to the first question you must ask yourself, “what did I do wrong?”
That’s right, the problem most likely started with you. Ol’ Jelly Beans wanted a lap to sleep on, but you said, “no, I’m working,” as you refuse to remove the laptop.
She replies with a meow, which roughly translates to, “I don’t give a damn.”
And what did you do? Nothing. You ignored her until she began to scratch the couch. Then you yelled, “this is why we can’t have nice things.”
“You’re cheap; that’s why we can’t have nice things,” the professor of jelly beans meows as she walks off into the next room.
Suddenly you get a call from your boss telling you you’re fired.
See how quickly things escalated there? Instead of ignoring them when they give you sass, listen up. What you didn’t know is that Beans went into the other room to call your boss to let them know that you’re all work and no play. Normally an employer would like that, but not the boss of the coolest new startup in town and creator of the app, Excuses.
Here’s how Excuses works. Whenever someone invites you to a party, but you don’t feel like going, just pull up the app and read off the randomly generated excuse. For example: Bill invites you to a bat mitzvah right there on the spot. You reply, “oh that sounds like oodles of fun! Allow me to check my calendar.” You pull out your phone, open up the app, and bam, your new randomly-generated prompt is ready. “Aww shucks, Bill, it looks like I can’t make it that day because I have an appointment at the worm doctor’s.”
They’ll probably say, “oh, sorry to hear that.”
Glancing back at the app, you read the follow-up response, “yeah, I think it was something they ate.”
“They ate, or YOU ate?” Bill questions.
“Why would my worms be sick because of something I ate? Anyways, I gotta run.”
That’s when you run away as fast as you can. Cause if you weren’t lying about having to run, why would you lie about worms? Once in a safe spot, be sure to leave a 5-star review.
Another reason your sweet meow meow may be at Myrtle Beach during Bike Week is because you never let them explore their roots. They may be as cute as a sweet fluffy button, but don’t forget their instinct is to hunt and kill.
Have you ever come home after a long day and when you open the door the song, “Born to be Wild,” is blaring, and your cat is sitting on the elliptical with a fan blowing in their face? Happens all the time, right? If it’s an indoor cat, that may have been an early sign of your cat’s need to explore. So satisfy their urges and take them outside for a walk before it’s too late.
If it is too late, and it probably is if you’re reading this, don’t worry, we have the solution. Go to Myrtle Beach to find your fine feline. They’ll most likely be napping, or passed out from too many brew dogs on their hog. You’ll have to be brave as you head through a sea of your kitty’s loyal followers, all ready to pounce on you if Pawfessor Jelly Beans says the word.
But when you do find her, all you have to do is show her some hot diggity damn respect, and promise her laps are for furry babies, not for laptops, despite the name. Be prepared to leave quickly after. Once the tears dry up on the bikers’ faces, they’ll have a battle to the death for the next leader of the pack.
This story can be found on Episode 04 of the Skit Your Shorts comedy podcast and/or the moving picture show version.
