The Time I Was Abducted by Pretty Chill Aliens

Most people don’t remember the time they were abducted by aliens, but I do. I was 34 and was lying down in bed when suddenly a bright light shined on my face. I shouted, “hey pal, turn off your brights,” which made no sense because I wasn’t driving, even though I was sleeping in one of those rad race car beds.

The light went away, probably due to my shouting. I can be pretty intimidating, like the time I had a coupon where if I bought one pogo stick, I got the second one free. The store clerk said it wasn’t a real coupon and that I clearly just wrote BOGO POGO on a piece of paper with a crayon. The clerk was right. I used the color, tickle me pink. Regardless, I ended up getting the free pogo stick through sheer intimidation and willpower. Or did I steal it? I can’t remember, but I have two pogo sticks now.

As my eyes struggled to adjust due to the bright light, I noticed a tall figure standing over me. Though they were blurry, I knew that it was an alien lifeform. It didn’t have a mouth, yet it was able to speak. “Is it possible that aliens talk through their butts?” I wondered. Still thinking of butts, I suddenly remembered others talking about being probed. That was not something I wanted to partake in so I said, “Hey if it’s alright with you, no butt stuff please.” I think it started to laugh, which could have been a funny ha-ha kind of laugh, or an “I’m going to do it anyways you insignificant piss ant,” kind of laugh.

The alien must have accepted my plea as it began prying my mouth open to look inside. I should have been worried about what it wanted to do in there, but I was more concerned about the everything bagel I ate earlier.

The everything part of the bagel has a way of lodging itself into your teeth and gums and living there just long enough for you to show up on your first date looking like you just swallowed a jar of fruit flies. If your date is okay with that, my advice would be to not kiss them because if they’re fine with you eating fruit flies, who knows what they eat? Or even worse, they knew it was from an everything bagel, but they didn’t say anything because they didn’t want to embarrass you, letting you go all night looking like a gourmet idiot.

If they didn’t say anything then, what if you ended up marrying that person, and one day you have a ferocious beaver clawing away at your face and your spouse doesn’t say anything because they don’t want to embarrass you?

Next thing you know, you go to smooch your significant other and realize you don’t have lips anymore and you look like Ghost Rider minus the sick flames and leather jacket. Is that the type of person you want to marry? I think not.

But I do remember the aliens trying to extract my brain by drilling through my teeth. Sounds ridiculous I know, but give them a break, how were they to know where human brains are? They would make great dental hygienists though.

You know what? Now that I think about it, it was the dentist. And it wasn’t an everything bagel I ate beforehand, it was acid. Garsh, I won’t make that mistake again.

This story can be found on Episode 03 of the Skit Your Shorts comedy podcast and/or the moving picture show version.