This month at work. March was marvelous!
I really love my job.
I love it so much that just last week I shared a list of the great fun I get up to at Skulk Sani-Services. Don’t you just love keeping things clean? Well, I do! In fact, let me tell you how much fun March was!
To start the month, Penny celebrated Peanut Butter Lovers Day by plunging painfully into a piping hot pit. It was a bit of work getting enough material to cover a fully grown adult. Costco always comes through in quantity. The boiling point was hard to get right without burning it, but the effort was worth the result! Which kind do you like? Crunchy is my favourite!
A short while later, Will rang in World Wildlife Day as he was wickedly whipped apart by wolves in the woods. It wasn’t fair, really. The little pups were acclimated to his taste and smell for months, and we starved them for days beforehand. The way they tore into him was beautiful — scraps and shreds flying every which way, red snouts eagerly lapping it up. Canines are so cute!
On the 8th, Isaac initiated International Women’s Day by being inundated with incredible Iceberg Roses. Well, the thorns anyway. It’s amazing how those little buggers can get into all sorts of crevasses, even under eyelids! The popping sound his eyes made as I boxed them, thorns and all, were just as satisfying as the red spray that followed. I love fountains!
Paul postulated on Pi Day he paid a perfect penance by piling pounds of provisions into his pathetic mouth-part. You’ll forgive me for being too on-the-nose, but I couldn’t help shoveling expired pies into his mouth as trailer hooks held it open on both ends. Was it the suffocation, blood loss, or esophagus bursting that ended him? Pumpkin pie is great any time of year!
Scott scarcely saw St Patrick’s Day as he suffered from significant slugs of spirits and sedatives. The blood in his alcohol stream was already damaged before the IV kicked in. The ketamine made sure he couldn’t fight as his system tried to regulate itself by vomiting, choking him to death. The green dye I fed him made it look like he ate a leprechaun. Top o’ the mornin’ to ya!
Frank found the first day of spring fatally flawed as his flayed face frowned, feeling his filthy fingers. I set up his ultra high-quality camera to record and take pictures as I scooped out his eyes, filed his fingernails into jagged points, and released hundreds of ants into the gaping holes. He scratched the skin off his face in 4K. Look at me, I’m Steven Spielberg!
The marvelous month of March gave us the gift of spring, and the chance to dispatch an allergy-inducing school chef, a dogfighting ring organizer, an abusive husband, a poisoning food factory worker, a drink-drugging predator, and a Peeping Tom. What a great time of year!
Originally published at http://misterskulk.wordpress.com on April 27, 2021.
