10 Reasons Leonard Cohen Broke Up with You
1. Because you took him down to your place near the creek — the swampy, slow-moving one surrounding the waste treatment facility — and you fed him re-heated coffee and a day-old donut that came all the way from a Tim Hortons in Scarborough, Ontario. Strike one, honey.
2. Because backstage one night with Mick and Bob you asked Leonard the difference between Soto and Rinzai Zen. You actually asked that. In front of Mick and Bob. Truly unforgivable.
3. Because he asked you to come over to the window so that he could try to read your palm etc. but you stubbed your toe on one of his guitars and your cigarette ignited the lampshade and, like, there went that legendary moonlit moment…
4. Because he asked you for a rhyme for “hallelujah” and you offered, “sock it to ya?”
5. Because it was four in the morning and it was the end of December and you were looking after the kids and vacuuming and doing the dishes…
6. & 7. Because he wanted to remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel but, instead, you booked the two of you into a “quaint” Super 8 Motel in Queens. Also, you insisted — all night — on holding your head on the unmade bed… due to your “migraine.” Very not cool twice.
8. Because when he called you that one time when he was on European tour and you answered, “And who by fire, who by water / Who in the sunshine, who in the night time / Who by high ordeal, who by common trial / Who in your merry merry month of may / Who by very slow decay / And who shall I say is calling?” thereby costing him an utter fortune in long-distance charges because he was calling from Vienna and because you only think about yourself as usual.
9. Because that one summer in Montreal you two invited Suzanne and Marianne to play pickleball and due to the latter’s expert, Swedish-trained racquet speed but mostly due to your own proclivity for foot-faults you utterly embarrassed The Châtelain of the Tower of Song on his home court.
10. Because you insisted on giggling throughout the more poignant musical moment of Shrek — on account of the fact that you don’t really care for music, do ya, you fucking psychopath?
