10 Trendy Food Trucks That Will Give You A Serious Illness

Summertime means street food! From DcMonald’s to Burrito Burrito Tito Tuxedo, these hot new food trucks will make you gravely ill.

1. DcMondald’s

The brainchild of cuisine entrepreneur Scatman Crothers, DcMondald’s was intended to be the first food truck to serve burgers printed from the revolutionary technology of 3D printers. Unfortunately, the 3D printer broke, so right now they’re just being printed out of a regular ol’ HP DeskJet. But DcMondald’s isn’t just burgers: it also serves a classic BLT*, and it’s the one-and-only home of the Coors Light salad. Deviled Egg Power Hours begin every hour, on the hour.

* bird licorice tobacco

The ingredients to a classic BLT.

2. Chef Boyardizzle

The famed experimental Italian eatery now has a food truck, offering their trademark items: deep-dish Communion wafers; meatballs injected with gravy, ranch, and vintage Hi-C Ecto Cooler; and Rasta pasta (pasta that’s been strained through a Jamaican’s dreads and topped with blunt ashes).

3. Jackie Chan Outtakes

This hot new Asian-fusion truck earned its name when patrons described its menu, much like the outtakes included at the end of every Jackie Chan film, as “the painful mistake of well-intentioned people.” Outtakes serves brilliant innovations like Sriracha-on-a-stick, Paxil dumplings, Paul Reiser egg rolls, and their unique spin on fortune cookies — a stale Hydrox cookie stuffed with a cruel insult tailored to your physical appearance.

At Jackie Chan Outtakes, it is customary to conclude your meal by eating your chopsticks.

4. Burrito Burrito Tito Tuxedo

The city’s newest Mexican-inspired truck, Burrito Burrito Tito Tuxedo offers a variety of regional burritos: Sacramento-style burritos (filled with Tums and house paint), El Paso-style burritos (filled with paranoid whispers and the antidote to rattlesnake venom), and Milwaukee-style burritos (just a cheeseburger). You also have the option of ordering marked-up Taco Bell.

5. If It Ain’t Broke

A trendsetting favorite, If It Ain’t Broke’s trademark is to take a perfectly good dish and then ruin it by putting some dumb, asinine shit on it. Examples include porterhouse steak crusted with pistachio shells, deep-fried chicken served with a thick layer of Fiber One, and eggs*.

*Eggs are served uncooked, in the shell (the shell is also served inside a live chicken)

I asked for water and got this.

6. You’re F#&king Next, Brownsville!!

You’re F#&king Next, Brownsville!! is one of the most exciting new players on Brooklyn’s gentrification-via-restaurant scene. Offering a menu full of items that would sound horrible if they were fairly priced, but which you can kind of talk yourself into because they’re so expensive that you assume they must be good, including: A.B.C. gum, malt liquor served in a hat previously worn by Pharrell, playing cards of the 1997 Toronto Maple Leafs drenched in maple syrup, and pork belly that somebody spilled Sprite on. All your food has a Popsicle stick joke written directly on it in magic marker by Chef Neckbeard and every order comes with a complimentary dose of gluten-free Molly.

This was not good.

7. Edible Build-A-Bear

Pretty much exactly what it sounds like. Lots of sad kids who didn’t fully understand what they were getting themselves into at this one.

8. Superfund Site No. 827

The first NYC restaurant to get an “F minus” on their health inspection, Superfund Site No. 827 offers a variety of dishes banned by the FDA and rumored to cause health complications ranging from gigantism to buckteeth: ashtray soup, hot dogs made from jackals imported from Chernobyl, or their one-of-a-kind dolphin nuggets. Highest recommendation to avoid. And for the love of God, please, please DO NOT order the butt chowder.

I ordered this one off the Kid’s Menu.

9. ToeJam and Earl’s 16-Bit Bistro

The product of an extended acid binge that originated in 1992 and has somehow continued to the present day, this location-less bad idea has won countless awards despite existing solely in the mind of a former Pratt freshman who now runs a bed bug removal service that has a negative rating on Yelp. Rumored to serve items ranging from Herbal Essence tea to imaginary donuts to the Mr. Feeny panini (a thick slab of mustache trimmings and latent homosexual longings served between two pieces of ciabatta).

10. Scavengers

Scavengers, where everything is made with literal elbow grease, took the idea of “food truck” and replaced the truck with a dumpster and the food with garbage. It offers everything from expired Lunchables to reverse-engineered Slim Jims to packets of ramen noodles that somebody had in their pocket during an MRI. Chef Wet Eddie is also credited with inventing Scavengers’ trademark beer-battered beer. For your convenience, your receipt has been cooked into your order.

Pictured: Chef Wet Eddie.