12 Totally True Myths About Redheads

Legend states that the first redhead was the son of Vulcan, Roman god of fire.

Sarah Hutto
Jun 5, 2019 · 4 min read
Photo by Joanna Nix on Unsplash

1. We’re conceived in burning buildings.

Legend states that the first redhead was the son of Vulcan, Roman god of fire. So it stands to reason that ever since, redheads are believed to be part fire. If you know any redheads, they are likely the children of arsonists.

2. We drink gasoline when no one’s looking.

Often noticed for our unique diet, gingers have food sensitivities others don’t and need to drink a certain amount of gasoline every day. About a gallon and a half. So don’t freak out next time you pull up to the pump and see us grabbing a few quick swigs from the nozzle after filling our tank. Being a redhead is dangerous and very expensive!

3. We’re sleeping with your dad.

Remember that time we called your dad handsome and you thought it was sweet? Yeah, we actually meant we were going to bone him, and we did. Your relationship with your dad is going to be so weird now! Redheads have terrible boundaries around their friends’ dads.

4. At the beach, we just turn into seagulls.

Some people tan, some people burn, and others just turn into a flock of marine birds. Although this tendency makes things more interesting, remember that if you give in to the urge to kidnap a redhead and dump them on the beach for fun, don’t feed us in our seagull state. Seagull-form gingers get very aggressive and will hang around all day, trying to steal your sandwich!

5. If you’re missing money, we probably took it.

Everyone knows carrottops can’t be trusted. We already proved that by sleeping with your dad, which is an image you’ll never get out of your head. Just remember: things tend to “disappear” when we’re around. Gotta love a redhead!

6. We glow in the dark.

This has less to do with the crippling paleness than with the dangerous radioactive levels emitted by all redheads without exception. Great during a blackout, but a real bummer if you don’t like having your cells mutate to unnatural proportions!

7. We don’t use a turn signal while driving.

While it’s well known that a ginger can barely operate a motor vehicle, we definitely don’t use our blinker. We prefer for the cars behind us not to know what we’re about to do. It’s not really any of your business. Sometimes we even disable our brake lights!

8. Most redheads are in a constant state of pain.

The majority of us can’t remember the last time we were physically or emotionally comfortable, which makes sense, considering what we look like. Every sensation is just a different version of pain for redheads. So remember, next time you see one of us, stay far away!

9. We vote twice in every election.

We can’t go into details here, but suffice it to say, we’ve voted twice in every presidential election since we were 18, and once in every election before that. It’s just one of those crazy redheaded traits that no one can explain. While technically illegal, the only laws that apply to gingers are those of Vulcan, god of fire — gotta take it up with Vulcan!

10. We need to borrow $750, but we can’t tell you why.

Speaking of money, remember that time you said if there’s anything we need to let you know? Well, we really need $750 immediately. It might be because someone’s after us, or it might be that we’re malnourished by high gas prices. But it definitely needs to be today via Paypal.

Photo by Mitchell Griest on Unsplash

11. We can fly.

Even though we aren’t allowed on airplanes, redheads own the skies and sometimes even fly straight into jet engines on purpose. Next time you’ve got a window seat, take a look outside and see if you can spot the ginger on the wing tampering with the plane!

12. Redheads don’t die but morph into other lifeforms.

While no one has ever been able to actually kill a redhead, many have tried. Most learn the hard way that gingers only shapeshift into your worst nightmares and haunt you for the rest of eternity, the flame-haired scamps!

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Sarah Hutto

Written by

I won the Internet like four times. Words on @McSweeneys, @tnyshouts, @washingtonpost, @Reductress, @the_rumpus, @Splitsider

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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