First they doubt you, then you doubt yourself … and everything about this company.
1. Your founder describes his management style as equal parts Dwight Schrute & Darth Vader.
2. Your healthcare plan consists of a Groupon for 10 goat yoga sessions.
3. Company principles are actually Real Housewives taglines and include:
- Life isn’t all diamonds and rosé, but it should be.
- Fake friends believe rumors, real friends believe in you.
- I’d rather spend my life kicking ass than kissing it.
4. Your confidentiality agreement has more pages than the entire Harry Potter series.
5. The company’s advisory board is made up of Care Bears.
6. The C-suite execs dress in reflective, Amazon delivery person-style vests dubbing these the “uniform of disruption” and adding that they “go with everything!”
7. At team-building karaoke night, your boss requests the theme from Titanic before laughing maniacally.
8. In lieu of a holiday bonus, your HR rep hands you a fistful of Chuck E. Cheese coins wrapped in a personalized haiku.
9. Your founder frequently boasts that he dropped out of his Montessori preschool and was subsequently homeschooled by a Corgi named Stan.
10. Conference rooms are named after 20th-century dictators. “This month’s birthday celebration will take place in the Mussolini Room at 3:15 p.m.”
11. Your team is working on a product tentatively titled ‘The Dolley Madison,’ which actually may be nothing more than a gender fluid jack-in-the-box.
12. Your company logo is a photo of Bernie Madoff riding on the back of a leprechaun who’s trying to catch a unicorn.
13. Your CEO is able to bilk millions out of investors with his masterful hula hooping and didgeridoo playing.
14. You’ve noticed a documentary film crew lurking in the parking lot, and sometimes if you listen closely, you can hear Keith Morrison narrating your selections at the cafeteria salad bar.
15. Your founder sounds like Alvin from The Chipmunks yet insists that’s his real voice.