20 Things My Suburban Parents Whispered At A Cocktail Party

The best things are left unsaid. Unless they’re whispered.

Koko
Koko
Nov 27, 2020 · 2 min read
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source: @yutacar via Unsplash
  1. “See that shingling? Divorce-money house.”
  2. “I’ll need you to point out work friends and work enemies.”
  3. “That babysitter we got wasn’t too hot, was she?”
  4. “I put the casserole in a bag because Cathy never returns the dish, now please don’t make this a bigger deal than it already is.”
  5. “We’re supposed to just leave our coats on the couch? Like a brothel?”
  6. “Remember: three mentions of our kid for every mention of theirs.”
  7. “Hey, sorry, was touring their garage. Don’t freak out, but I just bought a power grease gun and it’s VERY expensive.”
  8. “Their curtains passed the smell test. 100% damask fabric.”
  9. “That dog has to be a rescue. Eyelids don’t shrivel like that.”
  10. “Odds you can guess which child was the mistake.”
  11. “That’s Bill. He built his own deck. We don’t speak.”
  12. “He slept with her, because she was sleeping with him, so she slept with her.”
  13. “These gin and tonics are amazing. No way these people are liberal.”
  14. “Babe, I can’t wait to take that ass home and bite into — oh! Sorry, Bill, haha! Where’d Steve go?”
  15. “Did you… speak to Bill?”
  16. “God, it’s already 10:45? I knew I should have taken a nap in their bedroom.”
  17. “Someone here is the Princeton fencing coach. Cough three times if you found them.”
  18. “I just accidentally called their daughter handsome. We have to leave.”
  19. “I thought YOU were the DD! Shit.”
  20. “Hi Emily, thanks for looking after the kids tonight. Question: do you have your driving permit?”

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Koko

Written by

Koko

Come for the laughs. Stay for the pity.

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Koko

Written by

Koko

Come for the laughs. Stay for the pity.

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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