20 Things My Suburban Parents Whispered At Christmas Mass

Koko
Koko
Dec 21, 2020 · 2 min read
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src: Patrick Sweeney via WikiMedia Commons
  1. We’re going to this church, kids, because their priest has an average sermon time of four minutes.

2. Quick, what’s our excuse for forgetting the charity Christmas gift?

3. My lord, that family is wearing enough layers to open a Goodwill.

4. Does every male over the age of forty sprout a Brooks Brothers vest when it gets cold?

5. Babe, that peacoat makes me wanna do crazy things to you.

6. Having that extra bottle of Merlot was a great idea, honey— all midnight masses should be pregamed.

7. God’s son was born in a mule’s bedroom, and our kid wants a PS5?

8. Why did churches and hockey games agree to have the same background instrument?

9. Your sip of Christ’s blood up there was really more of a gulp.

10. I wasn’t snoring, my throat was applauding that rendition of Ave Maria.

11. God had a pretty lowkey gender reveal, didn’t he?

12. That’s right, kids. Don’t take candy from strangers, but take frankincense from an elderly man who chases constellations.

13. I can’t tell if my head is throbbing or if it’s the true meaning of Christmas.

14. So children can’t believe in Santa, but they’re supposed to believe the baby Jesus was born with that full head of hair?

15. See, Timmy could have been one of the shepherds this year if the casting wasn’t so political.

16. They won’t notice my vomit behind the manger outside, will they?

17. Only Mary and Kate Middleton look like that after childbirth.

18. Someone’s gotta tell the Smith’s kid that there are no ad-libs in “O Come Emmanuel.”

19. Don’t look now, but I may have accidentally put our credit card in the collection basket. Rocks paper scissors for who goes to get it back.

20. Timmy, this year we’re gonna leave out some Robitussin out for Santa, ok?

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Thanks to Alex Baia

Koko

Written by

Koko

Come for the laughs. Stay for the pity.

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Koko

Written by

Koko

Come for the laughs. Stay for the pity.

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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