COMMENTATOR 1: Welcome back to the 2016 Depression Olympics where you’re joining us live at the Women’s Getting Out Of Bed Final.
COMMENTATOR 2: And what a final we have for you today. Strong contenders from the US, UK, South Korea, and Hungary, all vying for that sweet Depression Gold. We heard just this morning that the Swedish team has been banned from competition after testing positive for feeling positive. A real shame.
COMMENTATOR 1: It really is. But now, all eyes are now on Team GB’s surprise choice, Amanda Rosenberg.
COMMENTATOR 2: That’s right, after a successful run at London’s 2012 “I’m Fine” Tournament, Rosenberg failed to qualify at the World Anxiety Championships last year. She placed 6th in Crying At Work, 5th in Crying Everywhere Else, and 8th in Sitting Alone In The Dark While Thinking Of The Worst Things. Arguably, her strongest event.
COMMENTATOR 1: Let’s hope she’s up to the challenge when we return after these messages.
[Commercials for six hours]
COMMENTATOR 1: And we’re back. This is it. Amanda Rosenberg for Team GB.
COMMENTATOR 2: She’s starting with the classic Head Under The Covers. There’s a little bit of movement, so there’ll be a deduction for that. Really breaks the illusion of death, and that’s what the judges are looking for.
COMMENTATOR 1: Here’s the first peep…looks around…and a smooth transition back under the covers. Nicely done.
COMMENTATOR 2: And now for the “No’s!” . The trick is to start by saying them quietly then build to a crescendo. Here’s the first “No!” soft…distressed….nice….a little harsher…good…and now we’re getting to the last “No!” loud and WITH A CRY AT THE END. SO PAINED. MAGNIFICENT. This is TEXT. BOOK. CRYING.
COMMENTATOR 1: And she’s straight into Stare At The Ceiling And Contemplate Death. This move requires maximum concentration and sadness…and…and it looks like…..YES. SHE’S CLEARLY NUMB AND WANTS OUT. A REAL PRO.
COMMENTATOR 2: It’s like watching her back in 2008 where she stormed it at the Beijing Bipolars.
COMMENTATOR 1: Next up, the Stay Here For Three More Hours. It’s important that we see some self-loathing here.
COMMENTATOR 2: It ain’t great if you don’t hate, ain’t that right?
COMMENTATOR 1: Yes it ain’t.
[Three hours pass]
COMMENTATOR 1: Ok. Preparing for her final dismount…A TRIPLE TWIST AND TURN IN THE SHEETS…SHE’S LAUNCHED HERSELF.
COMMENTATOR 2: AND YES…ROLLED RIGHT ONTO THE FLOOR…FACE FIRST….ABSOLUTELY STUCK THAT LANDING… SHE HAS GOT TO BE HAPPY WITH THAT. AND BY HAPPY I MEAN DISTRAUGHT.
COMMENTATOR 1: WATCH OUT, SOUTH KOREA, BECAUSE ROSENBERG IS BACK AND MORE DEPRESSED THAN EVER.
COMMENTATOR 2: She got an impressive amount of air in that dismount despite gaining 30lbs from all that Abilify.
COMMENTATOR 1: There is very little to critique in this routine. It had everything you could want — darkness, misery, with just a touch of existential dread. Her flaws were on full display and it was flawless, absolutely flawless.
COMMENTATOR 2: And I think the judges agree with you there…9000 POINTS….that puts her at the top!
COMMENTATOR 3: Amanda. A stunning routine and 9000 points. How do you feel?
AMANDA ROSENBERG: I’m fine.
COMMENTATOR 3: What a pro!