2018 Depression Olympics (revamped for Winter)

BOB:
Welcome back to the 2018 Depression Olympics where you’re joining us live at the Women’s Getting Out Of Bed Final. I’m Bob Babblebrook.

JULIE:
I’m Julie Hardmeat and what a Final this is shaping up to be.

BOB:
Indeed, Julie. These are some of the most depressed women I’ve ever seen, and trust me…I know depressed women.

JULIE:
I do not doubt that. We have contenders here from all around the globe.

BOB: Finland, Iceland, England, every land you can think of has depressed women.

JULIE: (holds finger to earpiece) Ok, we’re just getting the news that…yes, it’s official, Elsa Erkisson of Sweden has been disqualified after testing positive for feeling positive.

BOB:
You hate to see it happen. Real shame.

JULIE:
It really is but moving on to a brighter note the Women’s Getting Out Of Bed Final is about to begin as all eyes are on Amanda Rosenberg of team GB.

BOB:
Let’s talk about Rosenberg for a second here because I’ve been following her career for a while and let’s face it, she’s a quadruple threat. We’re talking Bipolar, Depression, Anxiety and PTSD. The whole package.

JULIE:
I couldn’t agree more and you know what? I’m just gonna say it, she has only gotten better with age.

BOB:
Which is incredible because people don’t often say that about women.

JULIE:
You bet your ass they don’t, Bob. Now, the last time we saw Rosenberg compete in a Depression event was back in 2012 at London’s “No Really, I’m Fine” Tournament.

BOB:
You know, I was actually in London for that. I remember, I was covering the Men’s Pushing It Way Down event and I managed to catch a glimpse of Rosenberg doing the Ghosting Friends and Family — Diamond Run. One word — majestic.

JULIE:
Let’s not forget last year at the World Anxiety Championships where she placed 3rd in Crying At Work, 2nd in Crying Everywhere Else, and took home the gold for Sitting Alone In The Dark While Thinking Of The Worst Things. Arguably, the toughest one of all.

BOB:
And here she is now. Although, critics have said getting married recently could hurt her chances of snagging Depression gold.

JULIE:
While others have said it could also massively increase her chances of winning the gold.

BOB:
She’s starting with the classic Head Under The Covers. There’s a little bit of movement, so there will be a deduction for that. Really breaks the illusion of death, and that’s what the judges are looking for.

JULIE:
Here’s the first peep…looks around…and a smooth transition back under the covers. Nicely done.

BOB:
And now for the “No’s!” The trick is to start by saying them quietly then build to a crescendo. Here’s the first “No!”

AMANDA:
No.

BOB:
Soft…distressed….nice….a little harsher

AMANDA:
No, no, no!

JULIE:
The way she conveys her inner anguish through one word…it’s beautiful.

BOB:
We’re getting to the last “No!”

AMANDA:
NOOOOOOOO oh god.

BOB:
Loud and WITH A CRY AT THE END. SO PAINED. MAGNIFICENT. This is TEXT. BOOK. CRYING.

JULIE:
And she’s straight into Stare At The Ceiling And Contemplate Death. This move requires maximum concentration…and…and it looks like…..YES. SHE’S CLEARLY NUMB AND WANTS OUT. A REAL PRO.

BOB:
It’s like watching her back in 2008 where she stormed it at the Beijing Bipolars.

JULIE:
Next up, the Stay Here For Three More Hours. It’s important that we see some self-loathing here.

BOB:
You know what they say — It ain’t great, if you don’t hate.

JULIE:
Yes it ain’t. Hahaha.

BOB:
And now a quick word from our sponsors

BOB:
We’re back and coming up to the three-hour mark which means we’re going to be looking at a dismount any minute.

JULIE:
Any second now.

(Two hours later)

BOB:
Here it comes, a triple twist in the sheets and she has LAUNCHED HERSELF ONTO THE FLOOR! SHE’S AN ABSOLUTE MESS AND IT IS AMAZING.

JULIE:
Stuck the landing, face first, perfection.

BOB:
Watch your back, China! Because Rosenberg is back and more depressed than ever!

JULIE:
There is very little to critique in this routine. It has everything you could want — darkness, misery, with just a touch of existential dread. Her flaws were on full display and it was flawless.

BOB:
This is one for the history books. People will remember where they were when they saw Rosenberg hit the ground like that.

(Amanda stands up)

BOB:
Uh, I’m sorry folks, there seems to be a..uh…

JULIE:
It appears as though, instead of staying on the floor and crawling to the bathroom, Rosenberg appears to be…I mean…I wanna say…standing?

BOB:
Unprecedented. I honestly, I don’t know what to say here.

JULIE:
Again if you’re just joining us, Team GB’s Amanda Rosenberg was meant to crawl her way to the bathroom but it looks like she’s…I mean, what do you think Bob? Are we going to see a walk? As we all know, any walking results in disqualification

BOB:
In twenty years of covering the Depression Olympics, I have, not once, seen anyone upright. It’s staggering.

JULIE:
Hold on. She’s…turning? She’s facing the bed and

(Amanda flops back into bed)

BOB:
I CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT WE’RE SEEING WITH OUR EYES RIGHT NOW

JULIE:
ROSENBERG WITH A DOUBLE BACK, DOUBLE FACE-FIRST, BED DISMOUNT RE-MOUNT. UNBELIEVABLE STUFF.

BOB:
TAKE A GOOD LOOK, FOLKS, BECAUSE DEPRESSION HAS NEVER LOOKED THIS GOOD, NOR WILL IT AGAIN.

JULIE:
Just when you thought you’d seen it all. Just when you thought you knew how depressed Rosenberg was

BOB:
She’s still surprising us. After all these years, still keeping us on our toes. MA-JE-S-TIC. This is what I love about the Depression Olympics, you still never know what you’re going to get and that’s what makes it so fun.

JULIE:
People criticized her for having an advantage, they said “of course she’ll win, she just turned thirty, she gained 20lbs from her meds, she doesn’t have a career, very few friends, she’s a nightmare, she’s a mess” and yes, that’s all true BUT, what she did today was original, it was expertly executed, it was a gold medal winning performance.

BOB:
Ok we’re going to take a quick break but don’t go away because we’ve got the men’s I Don’t Need To Talk To Anyone relay coming up after these messages.