2060 Guide To Beating The Summer Heat
Summer is the time to live your best life. Whether it’s the extra hours of sunlight, childhood memories of carnivals, or the opportunity to get out at night and hunt down coastal migrants who’ve broken out of the exclusion zone, summer is a season like no other. However, the sad reality is, here in balmy Winnipeg, the heat can be brutal. Fortunately, there are many great ways to cool off.
Tip 1: Avoid being outside
For those who aren’t between the Tropics of Capricorn and Cancer (and therefore aren’t confined to caves and abandoned missile silos), the general rule of thumb is: two hours per day starting at the 25th parallel, with an extra hour added for each additional five degrees north or south of the equator. People at the 50th parallel, for example, can be outside for eight hours each day, between 10 P.M. and 6 A.M.
Tip 2: Wear appropriate clothing
If you plan to stay active in the summer, invest in something breathable and lightweight, like a full-body carbon polymer skinsuit, which filters your sweat and urine into drinkable water, monitors your vitals for signs of heat stroke, and can be programmed to self-destruct if you’re ambushed by any Rover-affiliated terror cells near an NAFTZ entry point.
Tip 3: Stay hydrated
In addition to your recommended seven to ten daily showers, don’t forget to drink as much as possible. And there are other ways to stay hydrated: by eating fruits and vegetables, by siphoning the blood of a fallen enemy or comrade, or by extracting water from the radiator of abandoned roadside vehicles.
Tip 4: Freeze everything
This may sound like a no-brainer, but home monitoring data shows many people still forget to freeze their towels, blankets, cosmetics, wallets, watches and earphones. We know cold running water is a luxury reserved for Siberian feudal lords, Tibetan industrialists and the real housewives of Baffin Island, but a nice frozen tampon is a treat anyone can enjoy.
Tip 5: Prepare yourself mentally
Summer can be as much of a mental challenge as it is a physical one. Sleeping, for example, can be a great way to forget how hot you are. If you need a laugh, try explaining a glacier to a young relative. Or relax with some light-hearted “tundra fiction” like The Call of the Wild and The Terror. (The biography of Frederic Swarts, discoverer of Freon, was another favorite beach read of mine before all lakes in my enclave were converted into pump storage batteries.)
Tip 6: Check on your elders
Old people are more susceptible to heat-related illnesses and deaths. If they live alone and are inclined to disabling home-monitoring security equipment, spend time with them. Let them regale you with stories of The Difficulties of the 2030s. Or attend a migrant lottery and remind them how good they have it.
Tip 7: Avoid sexual intimacy
Not only will sex lead to an alarming rise in body and ambient room temperature, you also risk the possibility of creating another miniature heat source in your apartment. If possible, try to spend the summer alone (especially those who’ve seen an increase in their sex drive since having camel humps surgically implanted on their back).
