21 Alternative Bathrooms for Trans and Gender Non Conforming People

Excretion in the age of President Trump

  1. The woods — Not always around when nature calls, but an elegant solution to the problem your identity creates for bigots.
  2. A hat — People these days buy so many hats they NEVER wear. Let’s finally put them to good use.
  3. IKEA’s model bathroom — Never put too much of an emphasis on plumbing. Plus, you’ve probably always wanted to take a dump in that store.
  4. Modern Art Museum — There’s gotta be a toilet somewhere in there.
  5. Empty chopped salad container — Pros: It even comes with a lid! Cons: Very pricey, plus what do you do with the salad?
  6. Your neighbor’s pool… table — Sure, the swimming pool they’ll be expecting, but not this — also, you get to call your pocket.
  7. Port Authority Bus Terminal — No one will notice, trust me.
  8. Fire Hydrants — Dogs have dibs on number 1, but number 2 is anyone’s game!
  9. Cut a hole in a chair?
  10. A pile of sawdust from the hole you cut in the chair.
  11. The plastic bag lining your cereal box — It incentivizes a healthy breakfast AND gives you a place to put that breakfast 2–3 hours later.
  12. Any closet that kind of already smells bad — who’s gonna check?
  13. The ocean — It’s easy, just every morning drive to your nearest ocean, wade in and relieve yourself. It’s so easy sharks can do it. You hear that sharks? No one’s impressed, I mean not impressed enough for a WHOLE WEEK. Some people who live in landlocked states might think this is an impractical alternative, but they’re just being too lazy working their jobs to simply drive the 21 hours to go to the bathroom.
  14. The car of someone you hate — Or the car of someone you love, who loves urine.
  15. Capri Sun Pouch — Drink, then refill.
  16. One of those really big orange Gatorade jugs — Just don’t let them dump it on coach. Or go ahead, and let them — coach is probably a dick.
  17. Not a diaper — but just like, something that is really absorbent that you tape to your undercarriage and then change after you use it as your bathroom. Okay, maybe it’s a diaper.
  18. Reverse engineered beer-can helmet.
  19. Russian hotel rooms.
  20. The lawn — Specifically, the lawn of anyone who thinks that they should choose where you should urinate.
  21. My house — You are always welcome there.